Why coffee conversations matter | Matias Sørevik | TEDxFredrikstad

Key Concepts

• Conversational Leadership: The practice of initiating and fostering conversations to build communities, create psychologically safe spaces, and drive growth.
• Community: A group of people with shared interests, values, or experiences, built through interaction and mutual understanding.
• Leadership: The act of guiding and influencing others, historically linked to shared responsibility and learning from collective experience (Viking era).
• Psychologically Safe Spaces: Environments where individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves, taking risks, and making mistakes without fear of negative repercussions.
• Coffee Conversation Outcome (CCO): A proposed metric to measure the value derived from informal conversations, focusing on learning and shared experiences.
• Key Performance Indicators (KPIs): Measurable values that demonstrate how effectively a company is achieving key business objectives.

The Power of Conversational Leadership

This talk explores the profound impact of initiating conversations, building communities, and fostering leadership through dialogue, drawing on personal experiences and historical examples. The core argument is that genuine conversations are essential for personal and professional growth, community building, and effective leadership, especially in environments that may not traditionally value them.

Building Community Through Conversation: A Neighborhood Case Study

The speaker's childhood in a "traditional workers' neighborhood" in Bergen, Norway, illustrates the challenges of establishing community when residents are new and unfamiliar. The neighborhood initially suffered from friction due to a lack of established culture. The solution was inspired by the English concept of a "community house," a welcoming space for residents and visitors to meet and socialize. This initiative, coupled with continuous efforts to foster community culture, transformed the neighborhood into a safe and welcoming street within a decade. This highlights how initiating conversations among neighbors can ignite community building.

Educational Experiences: From Friction to Belonging

The speaker's educational journey provides contrasting examples of environments that either hindered or fostered conversational leadership.

• Primary School: A positive experience characterized by a "terrific environment" where the speaker, as a curious and questioning child, felt comfortable challenging norms and finding resolutions through conversations with parents, teachers, and peers.
• Laam Secondary School: A starkly different environment where problems were rarely discussed or resolved, leading to significant issues like high dropout rates due to bullying and police intervention. The emphasis on grades over interpersonal skills like inclusion and collaboration devalued students who didn't excel academically, hindering their sense of belonging.
• Upper Secondary School: The pattern of limited community building continued, with students having little time or energy to connect outside of established social cliques. Teachers and administrators also lacked the capacity for such initiatives, leaving the onus on students. The speaker notes, "If you're not given a chance to join conversations, it becomes hard to become part of your community."
• University: While making friends with peers was easier, student organizations were "notably inclusive" with selective policies. A significant distance existed between students and lecturers, with minimal interaction. This lack of conversational encouragement led to students feeling left out and dropping out, impacting the speaker's motivation and academic performance.

The Air Force: A Different Kind of Community

Upon graduating from secondary school with low motivation, the speaker joined the Air Force. This environment proved different, as "grades and previous value were irrelevant." The shared experience and necessity for mutual support fostered a strong sense of community. The emphasis was on getting to know each other, supporting each other through challenges, and leveraging individual strengths to compensate for weaknesses, embodying the principle, "A true soldier leaves no one behind."

Study Abroad in Ireland: Embracing Conversation

A pivotal shift occurred when the speaker decided to study abroad in the Republic of Ireland. The Irish culture, described as "extremely chatty," provided a stark contrast to Norwegian norms. The speaker experienced:

• Everyday Interactions: Engaging in extended conversations with grocery store employees.
• Academic Engagement: Lecturers initiating conversations with students before modules, and students actively participating in group discussions, sharing experiences and perspectives.
• Post-Lecture Engagement: Lecturers and students continuing conversations over coffee, discussing both academic and non-curricular topics, leading to mutual learning.

The Viking Origin of Leadership

The speaker learned that the word "leadership" originates from Norwegian, stemming from Viking seafaring practices. When Vikings traveled in convoys, the ship at the front, guiding direction, was referred to as the "leadership." This highlights a historical concept of leadership as a shared, dynamic role learned through collective experience and communication.

Rugby and Teamwork: Learning Through Play and Banter

Playing rugby further reinforced lessons on leadership and teamwork. New players were encouraged to learn by playing, with mistakes viewed as part of the learning curve. The team fostered a strong spirit through constant communication ("shouted with each others during trainings and matches") and enjoyable "banter during dinners after each match."

The Pub: A "Public House" for Connection

The pub is presented as a "gold mine for great conversations," a "public house" designed for everyone. The experience of arriving alone and leaving with new friends exemplifies its potential for fostering connections.

Maintaining Conversational Drive Post-Ireland

The positive experiences abroad instilled a lasting drive for initiating conversations, which the speaker has maintained. This includes:

• COVID-19 Experience: Despite never meeting classmates in person for lectures, hundreds of hours of online conversations fostered a sense of community and learning. The graduation ceremony was marked by an unprecedented number of in-person conversations.
• Startup Years: Engaging in digital nomading across Europe, actively seeking out open mics and events to meet new people and initiate conversations with diverse individuals, including the homeless, young pupils, and adventurers. These conversations "create awareness and inspire new ideas" and offer "unexpected invaluable insights."

The Challenge of Measuring Conversational Value

In today's fast-paced world, there's a perceived lack of time for conversations. The speaker recounts a colleague being advised to reduce "coffee meetings" as they were deemed "not cost-efficient nor measurable." This highlights a conflict between traditional performance metrics (KPIs) and the intangible value of building relationships and understanding through conversation.

Introducing the Coffee Conversation Outcome (CCO) Metric

To address the challenge of measuring conversational value, the speaker proposes a new metric: the Coffee Conversation Outcome (CCO). This metric involves:

1. Prioritizing and initiating conversations.
2. Engaging in enjoyable chats in welcoming spaces.
3. Showing genuine interest in conversationalists.
4. Asking questions and sharing experiences/perspectives.
5. Rating the conversation's value afterward, focusing on what was learned.
6. Adding this learned information to KPIs.

However, the speaker acknowledges that "not everything you learn can be transferred to a metric," emphasizing that "life lessons are difficult to measure, but are always valuable for your journey onwards."

Conclusion: Growth Through Genuine Connection

The summary concludes by reiterating that genuine conversations lead to growth as leaders and human beings, where everyone is "seen, heard, and valued." The speaker ends with an invitation for further conversation over coffee, underscoring the ongoing importance of this practice.