What's wrong with kids these days? Start with a better question | Jim Harris | TEDxMarshallU

Key Concepts:

• Contempt vs. Hip-to-Hip: Two contrasting approaches to interacting with young people.
• Acceptance and Growth: A continuum representing the balance between understanding a young person's unique needs and pushing them towards essential experiences.
• Functional Adults: The goal of raising children, emphasizing responsibility and capability over constant happiness.
• Generational Differences: Recognizing that the social context for young people today is more complex than in previous generations.

1. The Problematic Question: "What's Wrong with Kids These Days?"

• The speaker highlights the common question asked by people over 30: "What's wrong with kids these days?"
• He argues that the question itself is flawed because it implies a deficit-based perspective and leads to ineffective solutions.
• He references the H.L. Mencken quote: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong," to illustrate the danger of simplistic solutions to complex issues.
• The speaker emphasizes that the questions we ask determine the solutions we seek, and a flawed question will inevitably lead to flawed answers.

2. Contempt vs. Hip-to-Hip: Two Approaches

• The speaker contrasts two approaches to interacting with young people: contempt and a "hip-to-hip" perspective.
• Contempt: Defined as speaking down to someone or seeing them as less than. John Gottman's research is cited, stating that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce in marital relationships. The question "What's wrong with kids these days?" often carries a tone of contempt.
• Hip-to-Hip: A shared perspective, standing beside someone, understanding their background and current situation, and looking towards a future together. This approach fosters collaboration and understanding.

3. Generational Context and Shifting Norms

• The speaker presents a slide showing various cultural phenomena (Elvis Presley, KISS) that previous generations believed would ruin the current generation.
• Elvis Presley Example: In 1957, Elvis's hip movements were considered so provocative that the Ed Sullivan Show only showed him from the waist up.
• KISS Example: The band KISS was rumored to be an acronym for "Kids in Satan's Service," highlighting the moral panics of the past.
• The speaker asks the audience if they would trade places with a teenager today, and almost no one raises their hand, suggesting that the older generation recognizes the unique challenges faced by young people today.
• He emphasizes the impact of technology, particularly the ability to make life-changing mistakes with a single click or picture, which was not possible in previous generations.

4. The Need for Conversations, Information, and Mentorship

• The speaker argues that young people today need conversations, information, and mentorship, not criticism and contempt.
• He clarifies that he is not advocating for older generations to become friends with young people, but rather to be leaders, thought partners, and mentors.
• The goal is to help young people work towards their goals and even identify what their goals are.

5. Raising Functional Adults: A Different Goal

• The speaker shares a personal anecdote about a conversation with his son, Jake, where he stated that his goal as a parent is not to raise happy children, but to raise functional adults.
• He emphasizes the importance of responsibility and capability over constant happiness.
• The speaker acknowledges that this is not a simple black-and-white issue and introduces the concept of a continuum between acceptance and growth.

6. The Continuum of Acceptance and Growth

• Acceptance: Considering the unique differences of each young person, including neurological differences, temperament, and traumatic experiences.
• Growth: Understanding that essential experiences like failure, struggle, consequence, and success are necessary for developing the skills to be a formidable adult.
• The speaker warns against going too far to either extreme: excessive acceptance can weaken young people, while excessive pushing can break them.
• The challenge is to bring curiosity to the equation and understand each young person's world to help them achieve a better version of themselves.

7. Conclusion: Shifting the Perspective

• The speaker concludes by urging the audience to consider a different perspective when they feel frustrated or irritated by young people.
• Instead of asking "What is wrong with this kid?", he suggests asking "What does this kid need?" and "What does this kid need from me?"
• He acknowledges that there are many other factors that impact young people's mental health, such as mindset, grit, and social media, but the focus of the talk was to encourage a shift in perspective.