Grief is to Feel, Not Fix | Brennan Wood | TEDxPortland

Key Concepts

Grief, loss, bereavement, peer support, prolonged grief disorder, meaning-making, normalization of grief, childhood bereavement, validation, holding space, continuing bonds.

The Speaker's Personal Experience with Grief

The speaker begins by describing her mother, Doris, as "magic," emphasizing her ability to make ordinary moments special. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34 and died when the speaker was 12. The speaker highlights that she never had a direct conversation with her mother about her illness, learning about it from her siblings. She describes her mother's death as a "single defining moment" that created a clear "before and after" in her life, comparing grief to being pushed into the ocean during a storm.

Defining and Understanding Grief

The speaker emphasizes that "grief is to feel, not fix." She acknowledges the high rates of childhood bereavement, stating that "one in 12 kids in the United States will have a parent or a sibling die before they turn 18." However, she broadens the definition of grief to include other losses such as divorce, the death of a pet, job transitions, and other heartbreaks. She stresses that grief is a "natural, normal, healthy response to loss of any kind" and that there is "simply nothing wrong with you because you are grieving."

The Pathologizing of Grief

The speaker expresses concern about the current trend of "pathologizing grief." She mentions the inclusion of "prolonged grief disorder" in the official diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals. She criticizes the idea that intense reactions to loss are now being seen as a mental disorder rather than a normal part of grieving. She cites the example of children being diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder if they are "yearning too deeply" for a deceased parent just six months after their death. She also mentions studies testing Nalrexone, a drug used to treat opioid addiction, on grief, based on the hypothesis that grieving individuals are "addicted to the memory of the person who died." The speaker argues that grief is not a "six-week program" or even a "six-month program," but a "lifelong journey." She emphasizes that grief is not just sadness but a complex experience encompassing a range of emotions, including relief, fear, gratitude, shock, hope, anxiety, pride, love, and guilt. Grief is described as a "physical, behavioral, social, spiritual, emotional, and cognitive experience" that is "messy," "complicated," and "deep" because being human and relationships are messy, complicated, and deep.

Ineffective and Harmful Responses to Grief

The speaker recounts her own experiences with well-intentioned but ultimately unhelpful attempts to "fix" her grief after her mother's death. She describes her father's quick entry into a new relationship and the general lack of understanding from adults in her life. She highlights common cliches and platitudes that are often offered to grieving individuals, such as "Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad" or "At least they didn't suffer." She advises avoiding any sentence that starts with "at least." She recalls a specific instance where her father repeatedly told her "You're fine" as a way to avoid dealing with her grief.

The Importance of Peer Support

The speaker credits the Dougy Center, the world's first peer support program for grieving children and families, as the "single most helpful thing that happened in my life after my mother's death." At the center, she found validation and understanding from other children who had experienced similar losses and from adults who were able to "hold the space" for her grief without trying to fix it. She emphasizes the importance of being able to "feel it" and the tangible benefits of peer support. She cites research showing that children who experience parental death have higher rates of anxiety, depression, substance misuse, and earlier mortality rates. However, she also notes that Dougy Center's peer support groups have been shown to significantly increase hopefulness, social support, self-worth, and the ability to cope with problems. She describes peer support as sitting beside people in their darkest moments and sharing darkness in return.

How to Support Grieving Individuals

The speaker offers practical advice on how to support grieving individuals:

• Share favorite memories often.
• Sit beside them without trying to fix it, long after the casseroles have stopped arriving.
• Put important dates on your calendar and send a text or card every year saying that you haven't forgotten.
• Say the name of the person who died.

She acknowledges that not everyone will seek out peer support and emphasizes the importance of showing up for oneself.

Showing Up for Yourself

The speaker addresses the internal expectations that grieving individuals often place on themselves, such as "I should be over this by now" or "I'm not doing this right." She suggests that "feeling your grief instead of fixing your grief means you get to keep loving." She emphasizes that loss does not end the love and that individuals have the right to keep loving. She describes grief as something she always carries with her, sometimes like a "huge boulder" and other times like a "pebble in my pocket." She states that she doesn't want to forget her mother and is okay with carrying her love and grief with her forever.

Creating Meaning

The speaker discusses the importance of creating purpose or meaning out of loss and grief experiences. She cautions against offering this as a prescription to others and distinguishes it from the harmful cliche "everything happens for a reason." She defines creating meaning as "leaning into our own internal accountability for how we heal and grow." She suggests that creating meaning can involve acts of service, advocacy, honoring the person's memory, supporting others, or creativity. She acknowledges that it will "never be okay" that her mother died at 36 but expresses gratitude for the gifts that have come into her life because of her mother's life and death. She believes she is a stronger person because of her mother's life and death, loves harder, doesn't take anything for granted, tries to keep her relationships clean, and doesn't give up on people as easily.

Conclusion

The speaker concludes by emphasizing that "grief is normal" and a "natural and healthy response to loss of any kind." She encourages listeners to normalize grief and to not disconnect it from hope, transformation, or love. She highlights the power of community and being present, urging listeners to send the text, share the memory, say the name of the person who died, and be gentle with themselves. She reiterates that "we carry those we love with us" and that "we get to keep loving because grief is to feel, not fix."