Grief | Kaya Desai | TEDxTheArdeeSchoolNFC

Key Concepts

• Suicide
• Grief
• Denial (stage of grief)
• Support (in grief)
• Perseverance
• Acceptance (in grief)
• COVID-19 (as a cause of loss)

The Pervasiveness of Suicide and the Question of Perseverance The discussion opens by highlighting recent suicide incidents, including a man dying by suicide in an HCFC Bank, a young couple in separate incidents due to family opposition (both on September 9th, 2025), and a BITS Pilani student marking the fifth such case since December 2024. These examples prompt a fundamental question: what level of hopelessness leads individuals to consider suicide, and what factors, such as loss, fear, grief, or hurt, drive them to take that step? The core inquiry is why some individuals succumb to these emotions while others manage to persevere.

A Personal Journey Through Grief: Kaya's Experience The speaker, Kaya, identifies herself as someone who has persevered through profound loss.

• The Loss and Initial Denial: On September 2nd, 2020, at the age of eight, Kaya lost her father to COVID-19. Her memories are limited but include a vivid image of waving to him through a hospital window, a moment "engraved in this lifetime" and tinged with "uncertainty and anxiety." She describes experiencing denial, the first stage of grief, intensely. Until December 2020, she genuinely believed her father's death was a prank, imagining he had gone to the Himalayas and would return for her mother's birthday, with everyone being "in on this prank." Her eight-year-old mind couldn't fully grasp the unethical nature of such a deception, yet a "small part" of her knew it was her reality.

• The Realization and Emotional Impact: The "veil of denial" was lifted on her mother's birthday when her father did not return. Witnessing her mother's breakdown and tears made Kaya realize the irreversible truth: "my father was gone. He was not coming back." She recognized that her pretense of it being a prank was unhelpful to anyone, leading her to weep for the loss of her mother's husband, her own father, and her sister's mentor, acknowledging the new reality of "It's just us now without him."

• Coping and Seeking to Fill the Void: Following this realization, Kaya found herself wanting to "act older than I was, to behave older than I was." She aspired to be "kind and loving, supported, to fill the void we all felt" within her family.

The Crucial Role of Support in Grief Kaya transitions to discussing gratitude and emphasizes that "finding the right support through grief" is the "crucial factor" in determining whether one emerges "healthier and happier or more dysfunctional and deeper into the darkness." She personally found herself appreciating her relationships with her mother, sister, and grandparents. Reaffirming her central argument, she states, "What then causes people to take their lives and others to persevere? I strongly believe it's support that one gets." She characterizes grief as a "complex and lengthy matter which is unique to everyone."

Practical Ways to Support Grieving Individuals For those seeking to help someone experiencing the grief of losing a family member or pet, Kaya offers three practical recommendations:

1. Keep them company: This can involve simply "sitting with them or just being in silence," acknowledging the complexity of grief.
2. Help them out practically: Offering assistance with "chores or cooking them a nice hot meal" can be significantly helpful.
3. Do not downplay their experiences: Phrases like "It will be okay" were unhelpful to Kaya. She stresses that even if one has experienced loss, they "cannot possibly know what you're going through, what they're going through," highlighting the unique nature of each individual's grief.

Understanding Acceptance in Grief Kaya clarifies that "acceptance doesn't mean grief has ended." One can accept the reality of the loss, yet the pain and missing of the loved one are "felt from time to time." She openly shares her continued feelings: "I do still miss my dad. I do wonder what will our what would our born be like? I do still cry sometimes."

Conclusion: Learning to Live and Thrive with Loss Despite the ongoing feelings of loss, Kaya affirms, "But I did and I still do accept he is gone." She offers a powerful message of encouragement: "So be encouraged. You will learn to live with it. And might I be bold enough to say this, you will thrive with it." This concluding statement emphasizes resilience and the potential for growth even after profound loss.