Former bullies share what drove them to hurt others – and why it's no excuse for what they did

Key Concepts

• Violence and Aggression: Early behavioral patterns characterized by physical and verbal aggression, often triggered by perceived disrespect.
• Blackouts: Episodes of memory loss during anger outbursts.
• Bullying: The formation of a bully persona due to a combination of home environment and school experiences.
• Oppression and Lack of Control: The feeling of being oppressed at home, leading to a desire for control in other environments.
• Discipline Master and Pastor Counseling: Interventions within a Christian secondary school setting aimed at addressing behavioral issues.
• Experiencing Love: A pivotal moment of receiving love from others through church outings, leading to significant personal change.
• Martial Arts (Boxing): A suggestion from a police officer that led to a transformative path.
• Relationship Coach: Current profession focused on helping leaders improve interpersonal relationships.
• Boxing Tournament Success: Achievements in boxing, including winning a tournament with multiple first-round knockouts.
• Mental Wellness Advocacy: Commitment to promoting mental well-being and supporting others with similar life journeys.
• Apology and Reconciliation: Efforts to apologize to those wronged in the past.

Early Life and Behavioral Issues

The speaker recounts a period in 2002, around the age of Sec 1 (equivalent to Year 7 or 8 in some systems), where they were characterized by anger, aggression, and violence. The primary trigger for this behavior was perceived disrespect, which the speaker found intolerable. During these angry episodes, the speaker would experience "blackouts," with limited memory of their actions, often resulting in physical altercations, specifically punching. This period is described as the "making of the bully," involving shouting at teachers and classmates, kicking furniture, and engaging in fights. The speaker felt invincible and unafraid of consequences, acting on impulse.

Home Environment and Its Impact

The speaker's father was physically abusive from a young age, continuing until around Sec 3. The speaker often did not understand the reasons for this violence. This home environment is described as oppressive, leading to a lack of control. In contrast, at school, where the father was absent, the speaker and peers felt empowered to take control of their lives and act as they wished. This sense of empowerment, coupled with feelings of disrespect, would lead to anger and subsequent violence.

Turning Point and Intervention

A significant incident in 2002 resulted in the speaker being expelled from school and a police report being filed. The investigating officer, whom the speaker had met three times that month due to frequent fighting, questioned the speaker about their future and suggested taking up a martial art, specifically boxing.

Simultaneously, the speaker attended a Christian secondary school. After disciplinary actions, the speaker would be counseled by a pastor. The speaker describes being a "regular customer" for this counseling. The pastor's approach involved discussing love, and for the first time, the speaker felt heard, understood, and seen for who they were. An invitation to a church outing exposed the speaker to "love from other people," which marked a significant turning point in their life.

Transformation and Current Career

Following these interventions, the speaker's life began to change significantly. The speaker is now a relationship coach, assisting leaders in building better relationships with their peers, colleagues, and co-workers. This profession addresses issues such as breakups, divorce, and infidelity.

Boxing Achievements and Lessons Learned

The speaker shares a medal from winning a tournament in Sarawak, noting that both the quarterfinals and finals were won in the first round via knockout. In February 2022, the speaker joined Kadir's Boxing School and, after three months of intense training, managed to join the national team in May. Boxing is described as an extreme activity that, by exposing the individual to high-stress situations, teaches patience and calmness. Despite the difficulty of boxing, the speaker never considered giving up.

Advocacy and Personal Growth

The speaker is a strong advocate for mental wellness work, aiming to be a voice for those who have experienced similar journeys, demonstrating that hope and control over one's life are possible. The speaker has actively sought out and apologized to individuals they have wronged. The overarching perspective is that everyone's journey is unique and progresses at their own pace, and that all experiences, both good and bad, have shaped the person they are today.