How can we help children separated from their parents? | Ashley Viagbo | TEDxLargo

Key Concepts

• Parental Separation: The experience of a child being separated from one or both parents due to various circumstances (deportation, incarceration, foster care, illness, death, divorce).
• Trauma & Grief: The psychological impact of separation on children and families, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and unresolved grief.
• Attachment Theory: The importance of early childhood attachment to parents for developing trust, identity, and a sense of belonging.
• Family Protection vs. Child Protection: Shifting focus from removing children from families to supporting families to remain intact whenever possible.
• Reunification Challenges: The difficulties faced by families when reunited after a period of separation, including adjusting to changed identities and establishing a “new normal.”
• Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): Stressful or traumatic events experienced in childhood that can have long-term negative consequences.

The Impact of Parental Separation: A Personal and Research-Based Perspective

This presentation details the profound and lasting impact of parental separation on a child’s development, drawing from a personal narrative and supporting research. The speaker recounts their own experience of being separated from their mother at age nine due to deportation, and subsequently living apart for eight years. This personal story serves as a framework for exploring the broader psychological and emotional consequences of family separation.

Early Separation & Initial Experiences

The speaker vividly recalls the moment of their mother’s arrest at 7:05 AM, emphasizing the disruption to a seemingly ordinary morning – specifically, being on their third spoonful of Froot Loops. This detail underscores the suddenness and jarring nature of the event for a child. Following their mother’s deportation, the speaker and their sister were relocated to Sierra Leone. The speaker describes the intense sensory experience of arriving in Freetown, highlighting the initial discomfort and sense of displacement. This relocation marked the beginning of a period of significant adjustment, encompassing new cultures, rules, and ways of life.

A Life-Threatening Illness & Further Separation

A critical turning point occurred when the speaker contracted a life-threatening illness in Sierra Leone. Due to inadequate healthcare access, arrangements were made for them to return to the US and live with their godparents at the age of eleven, resulting in an eight-year separation from their mother and sister. This illustrates how circumstances beyond parental control can exacerbate the trauma of separation.

The Widespread Nature of Parental Separation

The speaker emphasizes that their story is not unique. Research indicates that millions of children experience parental separation annually due to factors like foster care, adoption, immigration, and incarceration. The consequences are consistently negative, manifesting as anxiety, depression, withdrawal, behavioral problems, academic difficulties, and, in the long term, PTSD and difficulty forming stable relationships. The speaker states, “losing a parent is like losing a piece of yourself,” reflecting the deep emotional impact of such experiences.

The Critical Period of Development (9 Months – 9 Years)

The presentation highlights the particularly damaging effects of separation during the formative years between nine months and nine years old. This period is crucial for developing trust, establishing identity, and fostering a sense of belonging. The speaker personally experienced anxiety and a sense of impending doom, while their sister in Sierra Leone experienced abandonment and premature responsibility – a phenomenon termed “parentification” by researchers. The mother experienced profound grief without closure.

Reunification & The Path to Healing

In 2018, the speaker was reunited with their mother and sister, describing it as a joyous but complex experience. They quickly realized that reunification wasn’t simply a return to the past, but a process of getting to know each other anew after years of divergent experiences. The speaker articulates the challenge: “it also becomes who are you now and who am I now and what's our new normal?” This emphasizes the need for healing and restoration beyond the initial joy of reunion.

Evidence-Based Solutions & A Shift in Focus

The speaker advocates for a shift in approach to family support, moving from a “child protection” model – which often involves separating children from families – to a “family protection” model that prioritizes keeping families together whenever possible. For situations where separation is unavoidable (illness, death), the speaker stresses the importance of providing support systems for families, akin to extended relatives. They also emphasize the need for accessible mental health resources, particularly in schools, citing an NIH study showing that 33% of children experience a stressful life-changing event before fifth grade (around age nine). The speaker suggests in-house certified mental health specialists in elementary schools to address these issues proactively.

The Psychological Impact & Call to Action

The speaker concludes by framing parental separation not merely as a policy issue, but as a deeply psychological event that fundamentally alters a child’s worldview. They reiterate that separation is a “family issue” and that with adequate resources and support, healing and restoration are possible. The presentation ends with a call to reimagine how society cares for children and families, emphasizing that children deserve not only stability and survival, but also consistency, wholeness, understanding, and a sense of belonging.

Notable Quotes

• “Losing a parent is like losing a piece of yourself.” – Speaker, reflecting on the emotional impact of separation.
• “The distance between us wasn't just land and sea and time zones. It was experiences, birthdays, routines, habits, thought processes.” – Speaker, describing the complexities of reunification.
• “Separation is not just a policy issue or something that unfortunately happens to some people. It's a psychological event in a child's mind.” – Speaker, emphasizing the profound psychological impact of separation.

Technical Terms

• Parentification: A role reversal where a child assumes parental responsibilities, often due to a parent’s emotional or physical unavailability.
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A mental health condition triggered by a terrifying event, characterized by flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety.
• Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): Stressful or traumatic events experienced in childhood that can have long-term negative consequences on health and well-being.
• Attachment Theory: A psychological model that describes the importance of early relationships with caregivers for developing emotional security and social competence.

This presentation powerfully combines a deeply personal narrative with research-backed insights, advocating for a more holistic and supportive approach to families facing separation. The core message is that parental separation is a traumatic event with lasting consequences, but with the right resources and a shift in focus towards family preservation and support, healing and restoration are possible.