Why You Take a Breath | Luba Falk Feigenberg | TEDxWilliam James College

Key Concepts:

• Use of Self: Bringing one's full self into interactions with clarity and purpose.
• Co-regulation: Synchronization of physiological states (heart rate, breathing, brain activity) between individuals, especially caregivers and infants.
• Mirror Neurons: Brain cells that fire both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing the same action, facilitating empathy and understanding.
• Emotional Contagion: The tendency to absorb and reflect the emotions of those around us.
• Regulation: Managing the impact of emotions without eliminating them.
• Reframing: Interrupting default responses by choosing curiosity over assumptions.

1. Introduction: The Coffee Spill Incident

• The speaker recounts a personal anecdote: rushing in the morning, spilling coffee, and feeling a surge of anger.
• Her three-year-old daughter, Asa, noticed her emotional state ("mama you sad you mad you frustrated you a little disappointed") and asked, "then why you take a breath?"
• This incident highlighted the idea that emotions are communicated not just through words, but through breath, body language, and presence.

2. Use of Self: Definition and Importance

• Definition: Use of self is defined as the practice of bringing our full selves into interactions with clarity and purpose.
• It acknowledges that who we are is always part of the equation, whether we realize it or not.
• Use of self harnesses our emotions, awareness, and behavior to create positive change.
• It's not just for therapists; it's relevant for educators, caregivers, nonprofit leaders, and anyone in human interaction.
• Instead of seeking external solutions, use of self emphasizes the power within ourselves.

3. The Science of Connection: Co-regulation and Mirror Neurons

• Humans are wired for connection; emotions ripple outward.
• Co-regulation: When a baby and caregiver lock eyes, their heart rates synchronize, breathing aligns, and brains light up in the same places. This helps infants learn to read and react to others.
• This co-regulation continues throughout life; we absorb the energies and moods of others.
• Mirror Neurons: Special brain cells help us pick up on and reflect other people's feelings, explaining emotional contagion.
• Example: Walking into a room and immediately feeling the tension or smiling because someone else is laughing.

4. The Impact of Emotional State: Classrooms, Workplaces, and Communities

• Our emotional state shapes the emotional state of others.
• When we regulate ourselves, we create environments where others can be more regulated and calm.
• Use of self is not just intuition; it's a skill that can be cultivated.

5. Four Steps to Cultivate Use of Self

• Step 1: Recognize Your Patterns:
  • Become a student of yourself, especially under stress.
  • Notice what happens in your body, what triggers you, and what thoughts arise automatically.
  • This is valuable data from your nervous system.
• Step 2: Regulate Your Responses:
  • Emotions are natural and necessary; the goal is to manage their impact.
  • Tool: Name the feeling. Labeling an emotion can reduce its intensity, allowing the brain to shift from reaction to reflection.
• Step 3: Reframe Your Perspective:
  • Our brains are wired to find patterns, and past experiences can dictate reactions.
  • Interrupt default responses by choosing curiosity instead of assumptions.
  • Ask: "What else might be true here?"
  • This rewires the brain for learning and growth.
• Step 4: Repeat:
  • This is an ongoing practice, like building a muscle.
  • Repetition helps the brain feel less scared and more able to adapt over time.
  • It becomes more natural and helps us be stronger and more resilient.

6. The Consequences of Neglecting Use of Self

• The speaker highlights the negative consequences of neglecting use of self.
• Educators teaching from fear, leaders prioritizing self-interest, and people in power making decisions based on unchecked emotions lead to deregulation, unrest, and division.

7. Conclusion: Choosing a Different Path

• We can choose a different path by starting with ourselves.
• Individual practice has collective impact.
• How we show up shapes how we engage in our communities, collaborate in our workplaces, and participate in our democracy.
• Each time we pause, notice, and recalibrate, we create space for understanding, connection, and a more compassionate world.
• The speaker ends by referencing her daughter's question, "and that's why you take a breath."