Why we need to stop ranking our grief | Kelly Cervantes | TEDxNortheasternU

Key Concepts

• Grief Olympics: The tendency to compare, rank, and compete over the severity of personal losses.
• Upward Social Comparison: A psychological phenomenon where individuals compare themselves to those they perceive as "better off" or "worse off," often leading to negative self-esteem.
• "Loss is Loss is Loss": The philosophical perspective that all grief is valid and inherently incomparable, regardless of the circumstances.
• Moving Forward vs. Moving On: The distinction between integrating grief into one's life (moving forward) versus attempting to leave it behind (moving on).
• Social Comparison Theory: A framework developed by Leon Festinger suggesting that humans naturally evaluate their own worth and experiences by comparing them to others.

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1. The "Grief Olympics" and the Trap of Comparison

The speaker identifies a societal tendency to categorize certain losses as "unimaginable" or "the worst," creating a hierarchy of grief.

• The Mechanism: Humans are biologically wired for comparison as a survival mechanism (Neural Report, 2014). However, applying this to emotional trauma is counterproductive.
• The Consequence: When society crowns a "winner" of grief, it creates a sense of shame for those who feel their loss is "lesser," while simultaneously isolating the person labeled as the "winner" by making others uncomfortable discussing the topic.
• Marketability of Grief: The speaker shares a personal anecdote where a publisher suggested her book would be more "marketable" if she had lost a husband rather than a child, illustrating how society commodifies and ranks tragedy.

2. Psychological Frameworks and Research

• Social Comparison Theory (Leon Festinger): Used to explain why people compare their grief. While upward comparison can sometimes be motivating, in the context of grief, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy or "stuckness."
• Processing Grief (Pennebaker & Smith): Research indicates that verbalizing or writing about thoughts and emotions shifts them to different parts of the brain, facilitating the processing of trauma.
• The "Gollum" Effect: The speaker warns that clinging to one's grief as a "precious" identity marker—like Gollum’s ring—can consume the individual and prevent healing.

3. Real-World Applications and Examples

• The "Cast Away" Analogy: The speaker uses the scene from the film Cast Away where Tom Hanks loses his volleyball, "Wilson." Despite the object being inanimate, the audience feels the weight of the loss, proving that the intensity of grief is subjective and not defined by the object or person lost.
• Parental Perspective: The speaker recounts a conversation between her husband and another grieving father. One father mourned a child he knew well, while the other mourned a child he never got to know. Both recognized the validity of the other’s pain, reinforcing that "loss is loss."
• The "Godzilla" Lesson: The speaker’s son noted that he wasn't afraid of the monsters, but of "people's reactions to them." This highlights how societal aversion to discussing death creates more anxiety for the griever than the loss itself.

4. Key Arguments and Perspectives

• Healing is Gritty: The speaker emphasizes that there is no "finish line" in grief. Healing is not about letting go of the person or the pain, but about moving forward with it.
• The Myth of Uniqueness: While every grief story is unique, the emotions associated with grief are universal. Sharing these emotions helps individuals realize they are not alone, which is a vital step in the healing process.
• The Danger of "Stuckness": Some individuals use their "gold medal" in grief as a shield to avoid moving forward. The speaker argues that choosing to heal is an active, intentional process.

5. Notable Quotes

• "When we deem certain losses as unimaginable, we are bestowing upon them a superlative of sorts... I felt lonelier than ever."
• "By voting my grief to the top rung, they were in turn downgrading their own."
• "We don't move on from our grief. We move forward with it." (Attributed to Nora McInerny)
• "Nothing that grieves us can be called little. By the eternal laws of proportion, a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." (Attributed to Mark Twain)

6. Synthesis and Conclusion

The central takeaway is that the "Grief Olympics" serves no one. Comparing losses—whether to diminish one's own pain or to elevate it—only creates barriers to genuine human connection. The speaker advocates for replacing competition with compassion. By simply bearing witness to another’s pain with phrases like, "I'm so sorry. That sucks. Tell me about them," we validate the griever’s experience without the need for ranking. Ultimately, the path to healing lies in the courage to be present, to share our stories, and to move forward together rather than competing in a contest where no one can win.