Why is being a "good" mom so hard? | Jasmine Jenkins | TEDxBayshore Blvd

Key Concepts

• The Overwhelm of Modern Motherhood: The immense pressure on mothers to excel in multiple roles (career, domestic, childcare) while adhering to outdated societal expectations.
• Mom Guilt: The pervasive shame mothers experience when they perceive themselves as falling short of their own or others' expectations.
• Redefining the "Supermom": Shifting the definition from doing "it all" to prioritizing what truly matters and being unapologetic about it.
• Three Traits of the New Supermom:
  1. Trusting Instincts
  2. Asking for Help Boldly
  3. Doing What Matters Most and Letting Go of the Rest
• The Importance of the "Village": Recognizing that mothers need support and that this support system can take various modern forms.
• Prioritizing "Yes" by Saying "No": Making conscious choices to protect what is most important by declining other demands.
• Modeling Behavior for Future Generations: The impact of how we treat mothers today on the parenting examples our children will carry forward.

The Overwhelm and Pressure of Modern Motherhood

The talk addresses the multifaceted and often overwhelming experience of being a mother today. While acknowledging the beauty, meaning, and fun of motherhood, the speaker, a mother of two, highlights the significant anxiety and overwhelm that often accompany it, even with a supportive partner. She describes the hidden struggles: "quiet cries in the shower, the random lash outs at my loved ones, the sudden panic attacks that have taken my breath away, or the mental checklists that keep me up at night."

This overwhelm stems from a disconnect between historical expectations and current realities. Mothers are still held to "the same standards of the 1950s" (cooking, laundry, childcare) but are now also expected to be "career-driven, manage school apps, juggle family calendar events, stay in shape, and be Pinterest level organized while somehow having all of the answers." This creates an expectation of being "superheroes or supermoms who do it all and never crack under pressure."

The pressure originates from various sources: "older generations and family members," "movies and TV," and "social media when we listen to the mom influencers who have everything figured out." However, the "harshest pressure that often comes from within," manifesting as an "inner critic" that amplifies the demands to "Do more. Be more. Give more."

The Pervasive Impact of Mom Guilt

When mothers inevitably "fall short," they experience "mom guilt," defined as "the shame that mothers feel when they don't live up to their own or others expectations as a parent." The speaker provides personal examples:

• Feeling guilt after choosing formula feeding over breastfeeding due to struggles, and receiving critical comments like, "How could you stop breastfeeding? You know, breast milk is the best thing you could be doing for your son."
• Experiencing guilt when responding to a toddler's request to play with "not now, babe. I'm in the middle of work," and seeing "the disappointment on his face."
• Feeling guilt even when "secretly ready and excited to send them to school and the nanny the next day" after a long weekend with her children.

The consequences of this pressure and guilt are significant:

• "One in five women worldwide experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder."
• "Seven in 10 hide their symptoms, downplay it, and suffer in silence."
• "Over 40% of working mothers have some form of anxiety or depression."
• "Over 70% feel invisible in their role as a mom."

The speaker argues that "it's not our moms who are broken. No, it's the standards and expectations placed on them."

Redefining the "Supermom": Three Key Traits

The core argument is the need to "redefine what it means to be a superm mom." The "new supermom" is characterized by three key traits:

1. Trusting Her Instincts

This involves listening to one's "inner voice" rather than external opinions from "Aunt Karen, not the mom influencer on Instagram, and certainly not her mother-in-law." The speaker emphasizes that "Advice on motherhood is everywhere. Everyone has an opinion on everything." The new supermom "knows how to tune out the noise" and holds onto the truth that "She knows herself and her child best."

• Actionable Insight: If formula feeding helps reclaim sanity, "do it." If screen time provides a needed break, "take it."
• Concept Explanation: "Instincts aren't something you're born with. They're built through experience. By staying close to your child and by being intellectually honest with yourself."
• Nuance: Instincts do not equate to perfection; mistakes are inevitable and are "human moments" to be accepted and moved forward from. Mom guilt, while perhaps never fully disappearing, signifies caring, and "caring deeply and trusting yourself can live in the same space."

2. Asking for Help Boldly and Without Apology

The new supermom "doesn't see it as a sign of weakness to do so. No, it's actually an act of courage." The speaker shares her past feelings of shame when receiving comments like, "Oh, you have a nanny to help you with your toddler while you're on maternity leave with your newborn? Must be nice," or comparisons to mothers who raised children "practically on my own."

• Argument: "We weren't meant to mother in isolation." Modern motherhood often isolates mothers, forcing them to manage difficult periods with "very little resources or support."
• Concept: The idea of "it takes a village to raise a child" also implies "it also takes that same village to support and nurture a mother."
• Modern Village: This village can manifest as "a group text with other moms where you can openly share your vulnerabilities or a therapist who helps you stay grounded."
• Methodology: To ask for help effectively, one needs to be "clear" about what help is needed. Differentiate between asking for assistance with tasks and delegating ownership of certain responsibilities. For example, asking a friend for occasional pickup versus assigning dinner responsibilities to a partner.
• Actionable Insight: "Delegate with confidence. Say yes when someone offers. Ask when you need it. Don't hope that they'll notice you struggling. Don't pray that they'll read your mind because they won't." Asking for help "brings you clarity."

3. Doing What Matters Most and Letting Go of the Rest

This trait involves having "conviction in her decisions" and understanding that "Motherhood is full of trade-offs." The new supermom "isn't afraid to say no in order to protect her yes."

• Examples of Prioritization:
  • "Choosing connection over perfection, like spending quality time with your kids before school instead of racing to clean up the kitchen."
  • "Choosing rest over performance, like taking a nap while your kids nap or indulging in some downtime."
  • "Choosing the thing that's easy and convenient, like doing eggs and toast for dinner, or ordering takeout."
• Perspective Shift: The speaker prompts reflection by asking, "Zoom out 20 years from now... What do you hope they'll remember?" The answer should focus on the mother's presence, levity, and self-care, rather than a "perfect home" or "Pinterestworthy birthday parties."
• Core Message: "If we want our children to tell stories of mothers who are present, playful, and at peace, then we have to start living that story together today."

Conclusion and Call to Action

The talk concludes with a powerful message about the impact mothers have and the importance of how we treat them.

• Call to Action for Observers: "Be the village." When witnessing a mother's actions (e.g., using an iPad for a child), instead of judging, "Rethink. Reframe. Choose your words with care and choose the looks you give with care because chances are she is already being 10 times harder on herself than you could ever be."
• Call to Action for Mothers: "You are the mother your child needs. Full stop." Stop comparing yourself to others or overexplaining your choices.
• Intergenerational Impact: "How we treat our mothers today becomes the examples our children carry into tomorrow. They're watching."
• Vision for the Future: The speaker hopes her son will "show up to parenthood as his whole self, supporting his partner, nurturing her, lightening her burdens, and sharing the load." She hopes her daughter will "not see self-care as selfish" and will "show up to motherhood as her whole self, her best self. Parenting from conviction and confidence, not from fear, self-doubt, or comparison."
• Final Statement: "To be a mother is a superhero feat in itself. But even superheroes need rest in order to show up for the people they love. The new supermom doesn't do it all. She does what matters most for herself and her family. And you know what? That is always enough."