Why “How Are You ” Is Killing Your Conversations I @ChaseJarvis

Key Concepts

• Conversational Trap: The unproductive pattern created by asking "What do you do?".
• Priming: Subtly influencing someone’s thoughts and feelings through the words used.
• Autopilot: The state of responding automatically without conscious thought.
• Flexibility in Questioning: Offering options in questions to reduce stress and encourage more engaging responses.

The Problem with "What Do You Do?"

The speaker argues strongly against asking the common introductory question, “What do you do?”. This question, they contend, puts the other person’s brain “on autopilot,” leading to a rote, uninspired response. This creates what the speaker terms a “conversational trap” – a predictable and ultimately unsatisfying exchange. The core issue is that the question forces a definition of self based solely on professional occupation, which can be problematic. Specifically, the speaker’s lab research indicates that individuals who dislike their jobs or don’t identify strongly with their work experience stress when directly asked “What do you do?”. This is because the question compels them to confront a potentially negative aspect of their life.

Priming and the Power of Language

The speaker emphasizes the significant impact of language, specifically the concept of “priming.” Priming refers to how the words we use can subtly alter the nature of an interaction and influence the other person’s mental state. A single word, according to the speaker, can be transformative. They illustrate this with the example of the word “excited.”

A Kinder Alternative: "Working on Anything Exciting Recently?"

Instead of “What do you do?”, the speaker proposes asking “Working on anything exciting recently?”. This alternative is presented as a more “kinder” question for several reasons. Firstly, it provides the individual with flexibility. They are not obligated to discuss their job if they don’t wish to. They can talk about hobbies, personal projects, or anything else that genuinely excites them.

Secondly, the inclusion of the word “excited” actively primes the other person’s brain. The speaker explains that when someone hears the word “excited,” their brain immediately begins to search for things that are “exciting.” This internal process, the speaker argues, actually makes the person feel more excited, creating a positive feedback loop and offering a “gift of excitement.”

Logical Connection & Synthesis

The argument progresses logically from identifying a problematic question (“What do you do?”) to explaining the psychological reasons behind its negative impact (stress, autopilot response) and then offering a solution based on principles of psychology (priming, flexibility). The core takeaway is that thoughtful questioning can significantly improve the quality of interactions and create a more positive experience for both parties. The speaker isn’t simply suggesting a different phrase; they are advocating for a more mindful and empathetic approach to conversation, recognizing the power of language to shape perception and emotion.

Notable Quote

“When we use the word excited, their brain begins to think exciting. What's been exciting? What's been exciting? which then makes them feel more excited which then is a gift of excitement.” – The Speaker.