When Conversations Become Difficult | Eric Daubricourt | TEDxLeidenUniversity

Key Concepts

• Difficult conversations are often avoided but necessary.
• Fear of rejection and scarcity are major drivers of conflict.
• Shifting from positions to motivations is crucial for resolution.
• Difficult conversations involve three simultaneous conversations: "I don't get it," "I don't like it," and "I don't like you."
• Curiosity is a mental muscle that can be trained using the "HOPE" framework (Humility, Otherness, Psychological Safety, Empathy).

1. The Avoided Difficult Conversation

• Main Point: Many disputes stem from an initial difficult conversation that was avoided or mishandled.
• Details: When relationships deteriorate, parties often know the specific moment it began. The conversation that could have addressed the issue was avoided due to fear.
• Reasons for Avoidance:
  • "I didn't want to make things worse."
  • "It would have been useless."
  • "People don't change."
  • "It wasn't that big of a deal."
  • "I was afraid" (of being hurt, humiliated, losing job/partner, hurting others).
• Key Questions:
  • How difficult is it for you to have a difficult conversation?
  • How difficult is it to have a difficult conversation with you? Do you create psychological safety for others to express themselves?

2. Fear of Rejection and Scarcity

• Main Point: Difficult conversations trigger the fundamental human fears of rejection and scarcity, activating survival instincts.
• Fear of Scarcity:
  • Triggers survival instinct because of the need for food, water, and shelter.
  • The other person is perceived as a competitor or threat.
  • Activates fighting skills and aggression.
  • Focus is on winning and outcome.
• Fear of Rejection:
  • Triggers survival instinct because of the need to be taken care of.
  • The other person is perceived as a vital resource.
  • Activates empathy skills.
  • Focus is on preserving the relationship.
• Strategies:
  • Fight: Impose point of view, risk damaging the relationship.
  • Sacrifice: Give up what matters to preserve the relationship.
  • Avoid: False good idea; like a stone in your shoe that creates a wound.
  • Convince/Argue/Justify/Negotiate: Leads to a deadlock because the other person is doing the same.

3. Shifting from Positions to Motivations

• Main Point: To succeed in a difficult conversation, replace the will to convince with the desire to understand.
• Key Idea: Start with curiosity.
• Explanation: Curiosity invites understanding of why the other person wants something, not just what they want.
• Positions vs. Motivations:
  • Positions: Binary, lead to competition and conflict. "I have it or you have it."
  • Motivations: Diverse, complex, space for common interest and cooperation.
• Wine Merchant Example:
  • Situation: Two business partners fighting over one bottle of Chateau de Lobad Armaniac 1888 during company liquidation.
  • Positions: Each wanted the bottle.
  • Motivations:
    • Partner 1: Collector, wanted it for his collection.
    • Partner 2: Sommelier, wanted to taste it.
  • Solution: The sommelier decanted and tasted the Armaniac, and the collector got the bottle for his collection.
• Key Takeaway: There is often one binary way to satisfy a position, but an infinite range of possibilities to satisfy motivations.

4. Three Simultaneous Conversations

• Main Point: Difficult conversations are never just one conversation; they are three conversations happening simultaneously.
• Framework Source: Rick Mor, author of "Beyond the Wall of Resistance."
• The Three Conversations:
  • I Don't Get It: Rational conversation about facts and circumstances.
    • Questions: Who is telling the truth? What were the intentions? Who is to blame?
  • I Don't Like It: Emotional conversation about feelings and identity.
    • Questions: What does this conversation say about me?
    • Examples: "Over my dead body," "Never accept that."
  • I Don't Like You: Relational conversation about the relationship.
    • Questions: What does this conversation say about us?
    • Examples: "After all I've done for you, you're treating me like that?"

5. Training Curiosity: The HOPE Framework

• Main Point: Curiosity is a mental muscle that can be trained and practiced.
• Framework: HOPE
  • H - Humility: Assume you know nothing. Certainty is the enemy of curiosity.
    • Switch from "I'm right, you're wrong" to "I have my reason to believe that, and you have your reason to believe that."
    • Reference to Igrit from Game of Thrones: "You know nothing, Jon Snow."
  • O - Otherness: Respect that you have no clue what's happening in the other person's head.
    • Intentions are invisible but drive conflict. Avoid making assumptions about malicious intent.
  • P - Psychological Safety: Nobody is curious when in survival mode.
    • Create safety for yourself and the other person.
    • Avoid judgment, which is the "worst poison" of any relationship.
  • E - Empathy: Emotion is a message; explore the need behind it.
• Final Question: Is it really worth the effort?
• Answer: Yes, because difficult conversations can change how we interact with others and the planet.

Synthesis/Conclusion

The speaker argues that conflict resolution hinges on the ability to engage in difficult conversations. These conversations are often avoided due to fear of rejection and scarcity, which trigger survival instincts. The key to navigating these conversations is to shift from a position-based, adversarial approach to a motivation-based, understanding approach, fueled by curiosity. While emotions can complicate matters, curiosity can be cultivated through humility, recognizing the other person's perspective, creating psychological safety, and practicing empathy. Ultimately, mastering difficult conversations can lead to improved relationships and a more positive impact on the world.