What mindfulness and meditation can do for men | Dave James | TEDxTamworth

Key Concepts

• Lottery of Life: Advantages based on race, physical ability, economic status, and gender (being white, able-bodied, not in poverty, and male).
• Masculine Standards: Conflicting expectations of men to be both strong/independent and emotionally intelligent.
• Suicide Statistics: Disproportionately high rate of male suicides (3/4 of completed suicides).
• Language of Distress: Words used by men contemplating suicide (hopeless, useless, worthless).
• Burden on Others: A primary reason men don't complete suicide is the fear of burdening loved ones.
• Toxic Masculinity: Harmful societal expectations and behaviors associated with traditional masculinity.
• Vulnerability: The difficulty men have in opening up due to fear of appearing weak.
• Trauma: The lasting psychological effects of deeply distressing experiences (e.g., witnessing a murder).
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Practices used to create space between stimulus and response, aiding emotional regulation.
• Men's Meditation Group: A safe space for men to share experiences and practice mindfulness.
• Community: The impact of community on individual well-being and the potential to change communities for the better.

The Speaker's "Lottery of Life" and Disconnection

The speaker acknowledges winning the "lottery of life" due to his privilege as a white, mostly able-bodied man not living in poverty, further advantaged by being male. Despite these advantages, he expresses feelings of disconnection, emotional struggles, and a sense of being lost. He recognizes the progress made in supporting women and other genders but emphasizes the importance of addressing men's issues.

Lockdown, Separation, and Reset to Basic Masculine Standards

The lockdown period brought both connection and separation. The speaker experienced a separation after a 15-year marriage and running a business for 10 years. This event triggered a "reset" to basic masculine standards: "Don't ask for help. Always be strong. Be individual." He contrasts this with his parents' nostalgia for a friendlier, more communal past.

The Disconnect: Men, Emotions, and Suicide Statistics

Men seek practical solutions, while women tend to address emotional issues more directly. The speaker notes that while he understands his own experience, he recognizes shared struggles among men in his community. This leads to the shocking statistic that 3/4 of completed suicides are male, highlighting a significant disparity.

Research on Suicidal Men: Language and the Fear of Burdening Others

Professor Fiona Shand's research in Australia revealed that men who attempted suicide used words like "hopeless," "useless," and "worthless" to describe their experience. However, the primary reason they didn't complete suicide was the fear of being a burden on others. This underscores the need for communities where men feel seen, heard, and validated. Without such communities, men may turn to online groups that promote toxic masculinity.

The Speaker's Personal Story: Trauma and Anger

The speaker shares a personal story from 1988 when a schoolmate, Stuart Goff, was abducted and murdered. This traumatic event led the speaker to adopt anger as a coping mechanism, which he carried into adulthood. He describes anger as an easily accessible emotion, like a comfortable but unfashionable jacket.

The Pattern of Anger and the Breaking Point

The speaker describes a pattern of losing his temper over trivial matters, raging, breaking things, shouting, and then withdrawing. His family provided space for this behavior, inadvertently reinforcing it. This pattern continued until 2015 when his ex-wife, tired of his behavior, left with their children.

Mindfulness and Meditation: A Turning Point

After his wife left, the speaker committed to changing his relationship with anger. He focused on mindfulness and meditation, which allowed him to create space between stimulus and response. This practice transformed his relationships and career. In 2022, he pursued a post-graduate certificate in mindfulness studies.

Men's Meditation Sessions: Creating a Safe Space

Gary and Sarah Jones, who run a yoga studio, invited the speaker to lead men's meditation sessions. Despite initial anxieties about being seen as an imposter, he agreed. On International Men's Day 2022, he led his first session with 14 men.

The Ripple Effect: Positive Changes in the Community

The men's meditation sessions provide a safe, non-judgmental space for men to open up. Participants report improved communication, increased empathy, and empowerment to address mental health in their workplaces. One participant's PTSD-related dreams subsided, while another's golf handicap improved.

Community: Individualism vs. Connection

The speaker contrasts the negative communities men seek out with the positive impact of the men's meditation group. He emphasizes that communities shape individuals, but individuals can also shape their communities.

Chan's Analogy: Fixing the Roof of Our House

Drawing on a teaching from his mindfulness teacher, Chan, the speaker states that while we are not responsible for everything that happens to us (e.g., "it's not our fault that the lightning struck the roof of our house"), we are responsible for fixing it.

Conclusion: An Invitation to Action

The speaker concludes with an invitation to the audience to consider how they can help "fix the roof of our house" and use community to support themselves and others. The main takeaways are the importance of addressing men's mental health, creating safe spaces for vulnerability, and leveraging the power of community for positive change.