We need to tell our stories about death | Hannah Jardine Youell | TEDxGosport

Key Concepts

• Birth and Death as Universal Experiences: The inherent reality and timeless nature of birth and death, contrasted with transient, subjective aspects of life like homes, jobs, and identities.
• The Power of Storytelling in Grief: How narrative can bring order to the chaos of grief, facilitate bilateral integration in the brain, and provide an anchor for understanding.
• Bilateral Integration: A neuroscientific concept where the logical left brain connects with the emotional right brain, facilitated by storytelling, leading to a sense of calm.
• The Difficulty of Discussing Death: Cultural avoidance and discomfort surrounding death, leading to euphemisms and a lack of clear communication, especially with children.
• The Impact of Shared Experience: How sharing stories about death can foster connection, reduce loneliness, and remind individuals of their shared humanity.
• "Altered, Not Less": The speaker's perspective on personal transformation after loss, emphasizing that while changed, they are not diminished.

The Contrast Between Birth and Death Stories

The speaker begins by contrasting two personal stories: the dramatic and joyful delivery of her third child at home in July 2020 due to midwife unavailability, and the profound, tragic experience of her sister's death. While the birth story is easily shared and well-received, the story of her sister's death elicits discomfort and avoidance from others. This highlights a societal tendency to readily share stories of birth, regardless of their drama, while finding it difficult to discuss death.

Birth and Death: The True Realities

The speaker posits that birth and death are the only truly real aspects of human existence. Unlike homes, jobs, and identities, which are described as "subjective, transient, invented even," birth and death are universal, timeless, and inevitable experiences that impact everyone. This fundamental truth underscores the paradox of why one is celebrated and the other is shunned in conversation.

The Impact of Loss and the Need for Clear Narratives

The speaker shares her personal experience of losing her sister, grandmother, and father over seven years, while simultaneously starting her own family. This period revealed an "undeniable parallel" in the quality of time surrounding both birth and death. Following her sister's death, her nieces, aged two and five, began to make sense of their mother's absence by pointing to a pink streaky cloud and saying, "Mommy, mommy is up there." While this brought tears and warmth, the charity supporting the family advised that the children needed a "clear and true and honest" story. This experience revealed a cultural tendency to speak about death in vague terms, such as "passing away" or "no longer with us," and to avoid direct words like "death," "dying," and "dead." The speaker argues that her sister was not "lost" and that her children deserved to know the truth.

The Science of Storytelling and Grief

The speaker introduces the scientific perspective on storytelling and grief, referencing neuroscientist Dr. Dan Seagull. She explains that creating a story from difficult or distressing events can bring "order to chaos" in the brain. This process, known as bilateral integration, allows the logical left hemisphere of the brain to connect with the emotional right hemisphere. This connection bridges the gap between logic and emotion, helping to create a sense of calm amidst the "emotional thunderstorm" of grief. This is crucial for children, who need an "anchor in their storm" and a sequence of events they can revisit. The speaker illustrates this with a childhood memory of her cousin's explanation for his grandfather's death: "daddy drove granddad to heaven in the back of his car." This was the best conclusion the cousin could draw with the limited information he had, highlighting the human tendency to create narratives when direct information is lacking.

Societal Avoidance and the Experience of Isolation

The speaker recounts her return to work after compassionate leave, where she was met with "sympathetic hesitance" and a cautious distance from colleagues. Despite their kindness, their words felt inadequate to match the "enormity" of her experience. She felt "in a bubble," realizing that she had not simply "lost" her sister but had been "altered." Her relationship with her sister had fundamentally changed, not ended. She describes the profound experience in the hospital room where her sister died, filled with love, laughter, tears, prayer, singing, and physical connection. The moment of her sister's last breath was described as a moment when "time stood completely still. Perfect peace, pure connection."

The Magic of Life's Edges and Shared Humanity

The speaker emphasizes the "unique kind of magic" in stories from the "very edges of life," such as birth and death. These stories connect us to something greater, remind us of life's preciousness and fragility, and invite us to live with more meaning. When these events occur, "everything else just falls away," revealing what truly matters. The speaker advocates for sharing this wisdom.

The Power of Sharing and Connection

Motivated by this realization, the speaker began sharing her story, first with friends and then with a wider audience. This act of sharing led to an outpouring of others eager to share their own stories of loss and difficult experiences. These conversations, whether whispered at parties or shared via messages, revealed a widespread "desperation to burst out of their bubbles." Bringing these stories "into the light" allows individuals to be "fully seen" and to acknowledge that "This really happened and it has changed me forever." This creates a "deep connection" and a "shared if perhaps unwanted understanding" among those who have experienced death, making them "a little bit less alone."

Conclusion: Embracing Our Shared Humanity

The speaker concludes by reiterating that we fear death because it is unknown, and it remains unknown because we do not discuss it enough. In an increasingly divided world, where messages often emphasize separation, it is more crucial than ever to be reminded of our "shared humanity" and the "rights of passage that connect us all." Therefore, she passionately believes that "we need to start sharing our stories about death."