We Are The Wells: How Connection Truly Sustains Us | Gizelle Clemens | TEDxWilmette

Key Concepts

• Wells: Metaphor for sources of support, nourishment, and connection, both for giving and receiving.
• Tending Wells: The act of actively caring for and maintaining connections with others.
• Unperformed Presence: Being present for someone without the need to fix their problems or perform a specific role.
• Specific Love: Offering concrete acts of support rather than general offers of help.
• Rituals of Connection: Scheduled, intentional practices to foster connection.
• Receiving Love and Care: Allowing oneself to be supported by others.

The Metaphor of Wells and the Evolution of Connection

The speaker introduces the concept of "wells" not as literal water sources, but as metaphorical reservoirs of support and connection. This metaphor became profoundly clear to the speaker on their birthday at 4:02 a.m., the exact time their mother, Heather Clemens, would usually call to pray for them. The absence of this call due to their mother's passing highlighted the profound silence and the speaker's own exhaustion, leading them to seek help from a therapist recommended by their mentor, Jamie. Jamie's proactive offer of support, before the speaker even realized they needed it, exemplified the idea of being a "well" – someone who refuses to let another person navigate life alone. The speaker contrasts this with the societal narrative that equates strength with independence and asking for help with weakness.

Historical and Cultural Significance of Wells

The transcript details how wells have historically served as more than just sources of water, but as vital community hubs:

• West African Villages: Women gathered at wells for water, wisdom, and mutual nourishment through their presence.
• India: Stepwells functioned as sacred spaces for water, worship, and rest.
• American South: Wells dug by enslaved people provided quiet spaces for survival, resistance, and prayer.

These examples illustrate a universal truth: "Wells hold us together."

The Shift in Modern Western Life

The speaker argues that modern Western life has disrupted these natural rhythms of connection. The necessity of gathering for water has diminished, making connection no longer automatic but an intentional choice. This shift, however, allows for deeper, more meaningful, and more vibrant connections when they are chosen. The speaker posits that "We are the wells now," emphasizing that every act of listening, showing up, and allowing oneself to be held contributes to sustaining others and fulfilling one's role as a well.

Personal Experience of Needing and Being a Well

The speaker shares a personal account of their hospitalization on December 22nd, 2020, for surgery to remove a spinal cord tumor. Post-surgery, they woke up paralyzed from the abdomen down. During the pandemic, with family unable to visit, the speaker feared being forgotten. However, friends and family provided support through flowers, food, prayers, and playlists. Specific examples include:

• Casey and Alex: Sent a care package with a white noise machine featuring birdsong to mask hospital sounds.
• Zelanda (coworker): Acted as a "proxy mom," visiting weekly to simply sit with the speaker.
• Nurses: Noted the "peace in this room," which the speaker attributes to the well-tended wells of care that had been established over the years.

This experience reinforced the idea that tending to others' wells creates a reciprocal system of care that sustains individuals during their most vulnerable times.

Wells in Times of Joy and Abundance

The transcript highlights that wells are not only crucial during crises but also during moments of joy and fullness. The speaker describes a monthly gathering with a group of women called "the seventh bloom." This group does not convene due to crisis but to intentionally share life's ongoing journey, enjoy good food, and be "fully seen without needing to perform or produce." In this space, worth is not measured by productivity, and individuals are accepted as they are. This "unperformed presence" is described as freeing, demonstrating that tending wells is beneficial for both difficult and joyful times.

How to Be a Well and Tend to Others

The speaker provides actionable steps for choosing to be a well and fostering connection:

1. Make Your Love Specific: Instead of a general offer like "Let me know if you need anything," provide concrete assistance. Examples include:

   • "I'll be over Thursday with some food."
   • "I'll hire a cleaning service for you."
   • "I'm coming over right now to take care of the baby so you can rest."
   • Key Point: Clarity in love makes the well more effective.

2. Check In Before There's a Reason: If someone comes to mind, reach out immediately, as this intuition often signifies a need.

3. Practice Unperformed Presence: Sometimes, simply being present is enough; there's no need to always fix everything.

4. Create Rituals of Connection: Schedule intentional connection points, such as monthly dinners or Friday afternoon check-ins, to prioritize relationships.

5. Receive Love and Care: This is presented as the most challenging but crucial step. It involves saying "yes" to those who want to support you and recognizing your inherent worthiness of being cared for.

Redefining Strength Through the Lens of the Mother

The speaker reflects on their initial perception of their mother, Heather Clemens, as weak because she leaned on others, asked for help, and cried openly. However, after her death in a car accident, the speaker realized the truth: Heather was not weak but possessed a profound strength. She was strong enough to be a well for others and wise enough to allow others to tend to her. Her survival was not due to self-reliance but to being sustained by her "kin" and "community."

Conclusion: The Enduring Need for Wells

The transcript concludes with a powerful call to action: to be connected "on purpose" and make caring for one another a strategy. The speaker emphasizes that when individuals face their own moments of unraveling, it will be the wells they have tended and the wells that have tended to them that will define their resilience. In the current times, the need for wells is greater than ever. The final exhortation is to "Tend the well. Be the well."