Watch this if you feel like you’re behind in life

Key Concepts

Mimetic Desire, Thick Desires, Thin Desires, Celebristan, Freshmanistan, Michelin Stars, Positive Flywheels of Desire, Stories of Fulfillment, Goal Selection vs. Goal Achievement.

Why We Feel Behind in Life

The feeling of "falling behind" arises when there's a perceived gap between one's current state (Point A) and a desired state (Point B), coupled with the belief that one should already be at Point B. This isn't just about goal setting; it's about feeling inadequate for not meeting self-imposed or externally influenced timelines. The core argument is that the reason we want "B" in the first place is often due to mimetic desire, the unconscious mirroring of others' desires.

What is Mimetic Desire and Where Does It Come From?

Mimetic desire, as theorized by René Girard, is the tendency to model our desires based on what others want. The video illustrates this with a story of the speaker's friend getting a promotion, triggering feelings of anxiety and inadequacy in the speaker, even leading to questioning his own career path. The friend becomes a "model of desire."

Luke Burgess' book identifies two sources of mimetic desire:

• Celebristan: The "land of celebrities," where we model desires based on figures we've never met (e.g., influencers, movie stars).
• Freshmanistan: The "land of people like us," comprising peers, family, and colleagues. This is the more potent source of feeling behind, as we directly compare ourselves to those in our immediate social circles.

The video emphasizes that feeling behind often stems from comparing ourselves to peers (Freshmanistan) rather than celebrities. The feeling is intensified when others seem to be achieving milestones that we haven't yet reached.

Brilliant Sponsorship: A brief interlude promoting Brilliant, an interactive learning platform, highlighting its effectiveness compared to passive learning methods. The speaker specifically mentions their AI courses.

Journaling Prompts: The video encourages viewers to pause and consider these questions:

1. Who are the people in your Freshmanistan who influence what you want?
2. What goals or possessions have you started wanting because someone else close to you wanted that thing?
3. What achievements or milestones contribute to you feeling behind if someone else gets there first?

The speaker shares personal examples of mimetic desire influencing his own goals, from academic achievements in school to software growth rates in his current business. He emphasizes that mimetic desire isn't inherently negative, as it can inspire and foster social connections. However, it becomes problematic when we chase desires that are not meaningful or lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Quote: "The obsession we have with goal setting is misguided, even counterproductive. Setting goals isn't bad, but when the focus is on how to set goals rather than how to choose them in the first place, goals can easily turn into instruments of self-flagellation."

The video stresses that goal selection is more important than goal achievement, as our desires shape our goals, which in turn dictate our actions and feelings.

How Do We Actually Chase Meaningful Desires?

The video presents four strategies for mitigating the negative effects of mimetic desire:

1. Identify Thick vs. Thin Desires:

   • Thick Desires: Enduring, deeply embedded desires that provide a sense of fulfillment. They've likely been present since childhood and don't change easily.
   • Thin Desires: Surface-level desires that arise primarily because someone else wants them.
   • The speaker uses his lifelong interest in teaching as an example of a thick desire, contrasted with his fleeting desire for a larger business after attending entrepreneurship conferences (a thin desire).
   • Stories of Fulfillment: Identifying past experiences where you took action, did it well, and felt a lasting sense of accomplishment. These stories can reveal your thick desires.
   • Voice Pal Plug: The speaker mentions that Voice Pal, their app, has frameworks to help identify thick vs. thin desires.

2. Identify Your Michelin Stars:

   • The video contrasts two Michelin-starred chefs: Bernard Loiseau, who took his own life after potentially losing a star, and Marco Pierre White, who relinquished his stars to pursue a more fulfilling life.
   • "Michelin stars" represent external measures of success and prestige.
   • The speaker reflects on his own "Michelin stars" throughout life, from exam scores to YouTube metrics.
   • The key is to question whether these measures align with your authentic desires and which ones you'd be willing to give up.

3. Set Boundaries with Unhealthy Mimetic Models:

   • Digital Boundaries: Unfollowing or muting people on social media who trigger feelings of inadequacy.
   • Mental Boundaries: Pausing to question the source of your desires (authentic vs. mimetic).
   • Physical Boundaries: Creating distance from people who inspire envy or unhealthy desires.
   • Expert Caution: Be wary of "mimetically chosen" experts, especially in fields like productivity where expertise can be easily self-proclaimed. Hard sciences require demonstrable work.

4. Create Positive Flywheels of Desire:

   • Intentionally create momentum around your authentic desires.
   • The choices you make today affect the things you'll want tomorrow.
   • Example: Being inspired to work out by a friend can lead to a positive cycle of healthy habits.

Synthesis/Conclusion

Understanding mimetic desire provides the awareness to question whether we're truly running our own race or simply feeling behind in someone else's. By focusing on our thick desires and setting boundaries with unhealthy mimetic models, we can reduce the feeling of falling behind and measure our lives against what truly matters to us. This allows us to set positive goals and appreciate our progress rather than constantly feeling inadequate.