Tulisa: I wanted fame, but it almost destroyed me - Lives Less Ordinary podcast, BBC World Service

Key Concepts

• Chasing Success to Fill a Void: The idea that external achievements (money, fame) are pursued to compensate for internal emptiness, often stemming from childhood experiences.
• Childhood Trauma and Mental Illness: The impact of a parent's mental health struggles on a child's development, including the assumption of caregiving roles and the formation of trust issues.
• Music as an Escape and Passion: The role of music as a refuge from difficult circumstances and a driving force for ambition.
• Manifestation and Goal Setting: The belief in visualizing and actively pursuing desired outcomes, such as securing a specific role.
• The Dark Side of Fame: The negative consequences of public scrutiny, tabloid intrusion, and the potential for exploitation.
• Sting Operations and Tabloid Journalism: The methods used by some media outlets to entrap individuals for sensational stories.
• Reputational Damage and Legal Battles: The severe impact of false accusations and legal proceedings on an individual's career and mental well-being.
• Redefining Success: A shift in perspective from external validation to internal peace, authenticity, and genuine human connection.

Childhood and Musical Influences

Tulisa Contostavlos grew up in a highly musical environment. Her mother was part of a four-piece harmony group, and music was a constant presence at family gatherings. Her father was a keyboard player and producer, and her uncle was a bass guitarist, further immersing her in the music industry from a young age. This environment led Tulisa to believe from a very early age that she was destined to be a singer, stating, "From the second I discovered I had vocal chords, like I couldn't imagine doing anything else."

Parental Mental Health and Early Caregiving

Tulisa's mother struggled with mental health, experiencing episodes that could last for extended periods. Tulisa's earliest memories of this were around the age of four, witnessing ambulances and police at her home and her mother being taken away. During her teenage years, after her parents' divorce when she was nine, Tulisa lived with her mother and took on significant caregiving responsibilities. This included calling hospitals and doctors, and assisting her mother with basic needs during episodes. Despite the difficulty, Tulisa states she doesn't feel like a victim, viewing the experience as a source of knowledge and strength.

Impact on School and Early Ambitions

The pressures at home and her mother's mental illness significantly impacted Tulisa's school life. She found school difficult and was bullied, stating, "I didn't really like school. I hated going to school." Her academic performance was inconsistent, excelling only in subjects she was passionate about. Music, however, served as an "escape" from the age of 11. The prospect of fame and "seeing your name in lights" was a primary goal, driven by a desire for the "freedom that would come with it" and the ability to escape her current circumstances. She felt "trapped" and fantasized about moving out and living her own life.

The Formation of N-Dubz

Tulisa's musical journey began with her cousin Dappy and his friend Fazer. Her uncle, Dappy's father, recognized Tulisa's vocal talent and suggested she would strengthen their group for commercial purposes. Initially hesitant to join a group and aiming for a solo career, Tulisa was persuaded to join for a studio session with £50, marking the birth of N-Dubz. The group's music was deeply personal, often reflecting their real-life experiences and relationships, as exemplified by the song "Took It All Away," written by Tulisa and Fazer during a period of their breakup.

Success and the Unfilled Void

N-Dubz achieved significant success, including platinum albums, MOBO Awards, and arena tours. While the success brought happiness, Tulisa realized she was "constantly chasing more and more success to feel a void." She believed that increased money and success would lead to greater freedom and alleviate an internal emptiness, which she later understood to be a "lacking of peace" and a void from her childhood. This pursuit led to a cycle of never feeling satisfied, moving from wanting to be an X Factor judge to aspiring to be a Hollywood actress. The more success she gained, the less the void was filled, leading to increased depression. She concluded that she was seeking a form of love that she was missing.

Childhood Detachment and Trust Issues

Tulisa describes a detachment from her parents, experiencing a "strange" form of love. She felt like an "own entity," a "lone wolf," and concluded early on that she needed to set her own path and make her own decisions. Her mother's unpredictable mental state, oscillating between affection and perceiving Tulisa as a "demon," created significant confusion and made it difficult for her to learn what love was. This led to a subconscious belief that love was not real if it could turn into hatred or disgust, embedding a "complete disconnect with love."

Manifesting the X Factor Judge Role

Tulisa believed in manifestation, envisioning future scenarios and making them a reality. She visualized herself as a judge on The X Factor, seeing herself on the panel and meeting Simon Cowell. She confidently told a friend, "I'm gonna have that job." Two years later, she received a call for a meeting. Despite a large list of candidates, a producer advocated for her, leading to a meeting with Simon Cowell in Los Angeles. At 22, she secured a judging position on the show.

The Tabloid Sting and its Aftermath

The height of Tulisa's fame coincided with a tabloid sting operation by The Sun on Sunday. An ex-partner sold an intimate moment, which was published at the peak of her X Factor role, turning her world "upside down." She described this as "catastrophic," feeling like her hard-earned success was being "trash[ed]" and she was being forced "back down where you belong." This experience deeply damaged her trust, leading to a subconscious preparedness for the worst-case scenario and a "wall" of learned behavior.

During this period, Tulisa experienced severe depression, reverting to childhood coping mechanisms by locking herself in the bathroom for days. She was eventually helped by an ex-partner and his mother, who provided a supportive environment that saved her mental health. However, the "aftermath and the damage" lingered for years.

The Bollywood/Hollywood Sting Operation

Tulisa was approached through a verified Twitter account by a major TV production company for a Bollywood/Hollywood production, with a reported £3 million deal. This involved months of meetings, scripts, and financial discussions. During this process, an individual posing as an assistant to the producer manipulated Tulisa, suggesting she needed to be a "bad girl" to secure the role, even claiming she was competing with Keira Knightley. This led to recordings of Tulisa saying "madness" as she tried to "pitch herself" for the role.

The sting culminated in Tulisa being told the entire story was a lie, facing arrest, and being accused of being "concerned in the selling of class A drugs." The reporter behind the sting was Mazher Mahmood, known for his tabloid exposés. The newspaper published her statements out of context, making her sound like a "horrid human" without revealing the elaborate setup.

Legal Battle and Vindication

Tulisa was charged with being concerned in the supply of class A drugs, facing the prospect of a custodial sentence and the destruction of her career. She described this period as "hell" and "catastrophe," contemplating suicide if she received the maximum sentence. She felt a sense of inevitability due to her past experiences of darkness.

During the trial, Tulisa insisted on facing Mazher Mahmood in court, wanting to confront him and show him he wasn't taking away her strength. The case collapsed when the driver involved in the sting, who had initially stated Tulisa was anti-drug, was pressured by Mahmood to change his statement. Mahmood was subsequently convicted for preventing the course of justice.

The Aftermath and Redefining Success

While the legal victory brought euphoria, it lasted only a few days. Tulisa experienced a form of PTSD, constantly reminding herself that it was over due to the two-year ordeal. This transition period of six months was spent trying to "feel normal again." Trust remained a subconscious issue, but she viewed it as a sign of intelligence rather than a weakness, acknowledging the darkness people can exhibit.

Despite being cleared, Tulisa believes the tabloid coverage caused significant reputational damage, and things "were never the same." She felt her career and public respect only began to recover with N-Dubz's return in 2022 and her participation in "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!"

Tulisa's perception of success shifted. She viewed the industry as a "game of chess" and a "big, fat, ugly cow that I just wanted to milk," playing the system. She was ready to move on from X Factor and sought to act in Hollywood to "be someone else."

Current Definition of Success

Today, Tulisa defines success as "passive income," "authenticity," being able to be her "true self in every environment," having a "loving, soul, family of solid, good, pure humans," and ultimately, "love, peace, and a quiet life." She expresses gratitude for her experiences, viewing them as knowledge that has shaped her.