The secret to being heard | Stef Reid MBE | TEDxSwansea Women

The Power of Being Heard: A Summary

Key Concepts:

• Subjective Value of Information: How we interpret someone’s words is influenced by our perception of them – their competence, care, and consistency.
• The Three C’s: Competence, Care, and Consistency – the foundational elements for effective communication and being truly heard.
• Communication as a Two-Way Street: Effective communication requires responsibility for both what is said and how it is received.
• Hearing vs. Obeying: Being heard doesn’t necessitate agreement, but opens the door to new perspectives and informed decision-making.

I. The Nude Photoshoot & A Shift in Perspective

The speaker recounts a pivotal decision: whether to participate in a nude photoshoot for a major publication celebrating strong female athletes. While personally comfortable with the concept, she recognized potential reputational risks. Initially leaning towards acceptance, her mother’s firm disapproval – a stark contrast to their historically argumentative relationship – immediately changed her mind. This incident sparked a reflection on why their dynamic had shifted, leading her to revisit a life-altering event from her adolescence. This highlights the initial conflict and sets the stage for understanding the core theme of the talk: the importance of being truly heard.

II. The Speedboat Accident & A Mother’s Sacrifice

At age 15, the speaker secured permission for a four-day trip, contingent on her parents’ approval upon arrival. The trip proceeded successfully until a near-fatal tubing accident. Caught in a speedboat’s propeller, she suffered severe leg lacerations and faced the possibility of amputation. The surgeon informed her mother that saving the leg was impossible. Her mother’s immediate, selfless response – offering to donate her own leg – profoundly impacted the speaker. She recalls thinking, “Wow, can science actually do that?” and humorously, “Please, please, please let it be the foot without her bunion.” This moment was a turning point, revealing the depth of her mother’s love and fundamentally altering the speaker’s perception of her mother’s actions and motivations.

III. The End of Arguments & The Dawn of Understanding

The mother’s willingness to sacrifice her own limb eliminated all future conflict between them. The speaker realized that every argument, every rule, every “no” stemmed from a place of unwavering love and concern for her well-being. This realization marked the beginning of truly listening to her mother, understanding that communication isn’t just about speaking, but about being heard – and understanding the underlying intent behind the message. As she states, “All of it had only ever been for my good.”

IV. The Subjective Value of Information & The Two Parts of Communication

The speaker introduces the psychological concept of the “subjective value of information,” explaining that how we interpret someone’s words is heavily influenced by our pre-existing perceptions of that person. She emphasizes that communication is a two-way process, requiring responsibility for both the message sent and the message received. She articulates the frustration of trying to be understood when interpretation is filtered through another’s experiences, biases, and worldview. “It feels like this impossible puzzle.”

V. Leadership, Care, and the Examples of Aston & Mike Sherik

The speaker draws parallels between her mother’s actions and effective leadership, citing examples from her experiences as a Paralympian and world champion long jumper.

• Aston (Long Jump Coach): Aston prioritized character development alongside technical skill, believing that an athlete’s personality translates into competition. He was known for harsh but honest feedback, delivered with unwavering dedication to the speaker’s success. He rarely offered praise, but when he did, it was meaningful because his intent was never doubted. He also actively listened to her needs, even if fulfilling them was difficult. He demonstrated care through consistent effort and a shared goal. “Being heard is not about being nice.”
• Mike Sherik (BP Sport Sponsorship Head): Mike exemplified leadership by prioritizing the well-being of others, even during a personal challenge (a charity run). He focused on supporting and encouraging fellow participants, demonstrating genuine care and investment in their experience. This earned him respect and ensured people listened when he spoke. “It is not about power or authority or hierarchy. It is about the care and the attention that you give to people.”

These examples illustrate that demonstrating care doesn’t require grand gestures, but consistent attention and a genuine investment in others.

VI. The Three C’s: A Formula for Being Heard

The speaker distills her observations into a practical formula for effective communication: Competence, Care, and Consistency. These elements build trust and ensure that your message is received with the appropriate weight and consideration. She stresses that this isn’t a quick fix, but a long-term investment in building relationships. “People need to see it in your everyday interactions. And it takes time.”

VII. Hearing vs. Obeying & The Importance of Diverse Perspectives

The speaker clarifies that being heard doesn’t equate to blind obedience. It’s about creating an environment where differing opinions can be shared and considered, leading to more informed decisions. She emphasizes that limiting ourselves to echo chambers hinders progress and understanding. “It’s impossible to make an informed choice as either an individual or as a society if we are only ever listening to ourselves.”

Conclusion:

The speaker concludes by shifting the focus from “Can you hear me now?” to “Can you hear how much I care?” She argues that demonstrating genuine care is the key to being truly heard, fostering meaningful connections, and building a more understanding and collaborative world. The power of being heard, she asserts, resides with those who prioritize care and attention in their interactions.