The Psychology of Success | Alieza Singh | TEDxHIXS Youth

Key Concepts

• Fitting in vs. Standing out
• The teenage desire for popularity and perfection
• The impact of bullying and isolation
• The importance of self-acceptance and self-improvement
• Redefining success as personal growth rather than external validation
• The role of failure in achieving success
• Mindset shift: from chasing acceptance to attracting opportunities
• The power of self-belief and resilience

The Struggle to Fit In

The speaker describes her teenage years as a constant struggle to fit in, driven by the desire to be popular, perfect, and confident. She admits to having the "teenager's face" of trying to conform, wanting the perfect outfits, best grades, and a large group of friends. This pursuit consumed her for five years. She notes that this feeling is universal, relating to adults who tried to fit in during school or college, or who see their children experiencing it now.

• Early Definition of Success: Success was defined as being perfect, popular, and confident.
• The Paradox: The harder she tried to fit in, the more invisible she felt.

Experiences of Isolation and Bullying

The speaker recounts specific experiences of bullying and isolation, starting in fifth grade.

• Fifth Grade: She was quiet, underconfident, and focused on textbooks, leading to bullying and isolation. At 10 years old, this felt like the end of the world.
• Sixth Grade: A fresh start at a new school initially brought hope and new friends, but she lost them after a few months, leading her to blame the world.
• Seventh Grade (COVID): The shift to online learning exacerbated her feelings of isolation, despite being close to her family. Being left out as a teenager felt like a wound that wouldn't heal.
• Ninth Grade: Desperate to fit in, she socialized more, but her grades suffered, and her confidence plummeted. She joined the school dance team but was always afraid of the spotlight and couldn't perform solo.

The Turning Point: A Mindset Shift

The speaker describes a pivotal moment when she broke down and confided in her parents.

• The Question: Her father asked her to define the traits of the ideal person she wanted to be.
• The Answer: She identified traits like being outgoing, confident, welcoming, accepting, passionate, and recognized for something.
• The Realization: She realized that nothing was stopping her from being that person except herself.
• The Action: Her father advised her to pick one quality of the ideal person and embody it that day. This became her first real mindset shift.

Embracing Self-Improvement and Acceptance

The speaker details the steps she took to change her mindset and behavior.

• Stop Pre-judging: She stopped pre-judging people and started accepting them for who they are.
• Stop Chasing: She stopped chasing after groups and people.
• Attraction vs. Chasing: She realized that when she stopped chasing, she started attracting opportunities, the kind of people she wanted around her, and positive energy.
• Focus on Self-Improvement: In 10th grade, she threw herself into extracurricular activities and academics, focusing on self-improvement and ignoring others' opinions.
• Developing Skills: She worked on her performance skills and public speaking, making dance her safe space for self-expression.
• Inner Contentment: She became the kind of person who was happy and content even when alone.

Student Congress Election and the Value of Failure

The speaker recounts her experience running for student congress.

• Initial Fear: The thought of campaigning terrified her due to anxiety about talking to new people and putting herself out there.
• Authenticity: She realized she didn't need to scream for attention but just be herself.
• Approach: She approached people in a friendly manner, listened to their ideas, shared her own, and gave a speech to the entire high school.
• The Loss: She lost the election by a few votes and felt crushed initially.
• The Lesson: She realized that failure is not the opposite of success but a step towards it. It was important for her to lose to understand how far she had come and to learn to deal with not always winning.
• Impact: The experience shaped her confidence and character.

Redefining Success

The speaker concludes by redefining success based on her experiences.

• New Definition of Success: Success is becoming better than who you were yesterday.
• Personal Experience: She emphasizes that this definition is based on her lived experiences and the realization that she had to fall to become who she envisioned.
• Failure is Inevitable: She acknowledges that failure is inevitable at every stage of life.
• Resilience is Key: What matters is what gets you back up every time – that one thought, that one belief.
• Self-Belief: The thought that keeps her going is that if she has done it before and gotten back up, she can do it again, and it always gets better from there.
• Standing Out: Success is about the willingness to stand out from the crowd because those who change the world don't fit into groups.
• Authenticity: Success is not about being flawless but about being her true self every day and showing up as her true self again and again.

Conclusion

The speaker's journey highlights the importance of self-acceptance, resilience, and redefining success as personal growth rather than external validation. Her story emphasizes that failure is a necessary part of the process and that true success lies in the willingness to stand out and be authentic. The key takeaway is that by focusing on self-improvement and embracing failure, individuals can overcome their insecurities and achieve their full potential.