The joy of not fitting in | Andrew Hartman | TEDxUniversityofSaskatchewan

Queer Joy at the Edges: A Detailed Summary

Key Concepts:

• Queer Joy: A relational and alive practice rooted in authenticity, belonging, resistance, and collective affirmation – not merely an emotion.
• Gender-Based Violence: Harm experienced for not conforming to societal gender expectations.
• Shame: Internalized societal rules that dictate how one should be, often leading to suppression of authentic self.
• Authenticity: The practice of living in alignment with one’s true self.
• Collective Affirmation: The power of community recognition and celebration of individual identities.
• International Court System: A network of queer individuals and drag performers dedicated to fundraising and community support.

Introduction: A Personal Journey to the Edges

The speaker begins by acknowledging their own past struggles, revealing they failed their first year of university and were later diagnosed with a learning disability. This personal vulnerability establishes a connection with the audience and frames their exploration of “queer joy at the edges.” They emphasize that feeling “out on the edge” is a familiar experience, particularly for those who don’t fit conventional models of success. The speaker, identifying as disabled, queer, and a former homeschooled individual, shares their early experiences grappling with identity in rural Saskatchewan in 1997, a time when Ellen DeGeneres faced backlash for coming out. This period was marked by fear and the internal question of whether their family would accept them or prefer they not exist at all. Despite the initial heaviness of this recollection, the speaker assures the audience of a positive outcome, highlighting the power of self-affirmation: “I want to get through this… so no one else feels alone.” They posit that what sets us apart can also be what connects us most deeply, suggesting joy can be found in not fitting in.

From Gender-Based Violence to a Research Focus on Healing

The speaker’s academic journey towards studying queer joy began unexpectedly while working at a local nonprofit addressing gender-based violence. They define gender-based violence as harm inflicted on individuals for not adhering to societal gender norms – examples include restricting clothing choices or limiting emotional expression based on gender. A miscommunication regarding a recruitment poster, which didn’t explicitly include all identities, led to a powerful encounter with an individual who had experienced a hate crime while in drag. This individual felt let down by a system that consistently failed to acknowledge their pain, specifically the grief associated with losing a part of themselves (their drag persona) that once brought joy. The speaker’s simple act of acknowledging this pain – “I’m so sorry you had to go through that and that no one saw the pain that your drag character also went through” – had a profound impact, prompting a shift in their research focus from studying queer pain to studying queer healing.

The Spiral of Shame and the Discovery of Queer Joy

Initially, the speaker’s PhD research focused on the process of moving through shame. They explain that shame originates from societal rules internalized from a young age, dictating how individuals should look, love, and live. For queer people, these rules can be particularly restrictive. Participants in their research expressed a desire for the simple yet radical “permission to be themselves.” However, the research hit a roadblock when participants reported that healing was not a finite process, but rather an ongoing journey. This initially appeared as an endless spiral of grappling with shame. Recognizing that participants didn’t feel trapped, the speaker re-examined their data, asking where participants were arriving on the other side of shame. This led to the discovery of “queer joy” – a concept that transcended mere emotion and manifested as a relational, alive practice.

The speaker defines queer joy as being rooted in authenticity and belonging, shaped by daily acts of resistance and collective affirmation. They emphasize that it’s as simple as having one’s pronouns respected and as profound as witnessing others express their authentic selves. “Queer joy is as simple as having someone use the correct pronouns and name and as connected as seeing other people express authenticity to the level you also feel joy.”

Real-World Examples of Queer Joy in Action

The speaker illustrates queer joy through two compelling examples. The first is their experience working with queer youth experiencing homelessness. They describe being invited to a Christmas celebration where youth received gifts affirming their gender identities – a shaving kit for a trans man and makeup for a trans woman. Witnessing the joy and love within this community, and the affirmation of identity, brought the staff to tears. This experience was described as “collective queer joy.”

The second example centers on the International Court System, a North American network of queer individuals and drag performers who raise funds for LGBTQ+ charities and causes. The speaker describes the Court as a “beautiful, campy mockery of the monarchy,” where members elect emperors, empresses, and empires to lead fundraising efforts. They highlight the Regina Court’s dedication to supporting people living with HIV and describe the vibrant atmosphere of a coronation ball, where people from all walks of life come together to celebrate their impact. The speaker has recently become involved with the Court as a drag king named Slim Pickins, finding liberation and a sense of wholeness through this creative expression. Slim Pickins, alongside China White, has initiated the Land of the Living Skies charity in Saskatoon, with the ambition of establishing a local court.

Conclusion: Embracing the Edge and Inviting Connection

The speaker concludes by reflecting on their younger self, “little Andrew,” and offering a message of hope and acceptance. They assert that being on the edge is not a source of shame, but a place of possibility and the origin of unique stories. They emphasize that the qualities that make us different are not flaws to be hidden, but invitations to connect, create, and imagine beyond societal limitations. By embracing authenticity and allowing ourselves to be fully seen, we empower others to do the same. The speaker’s final message is a powerful affirmation: “There can be joy in living on the edge.”