The #1 Subtle Thing Killing Your Dreams – Why You Feel Lost, Tired & Stuck | Brené Brown

Key Concepts

True belonging, Braving (Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgment, Generosity), Trust, Dehumanization, Rehumanization, Moral Exclusion, False Dichotomies, Privilege, Humility, Curiosity, Accountability vs. Shaming, Authenticity, Worthiness, Wilderness.

True Belonging and the Maya Angelou Quote

The conversation begins with a discussion of a Maya Angelou quote: "You are only free when you realize you belong no place. You belong every place, no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." The speaker initially expresses discomfort with the idea of belonging nowhere, given her research showing that suffering arises in the absence of love and belonging. She then clarifies that true belonging, as understood through Angelou's full interview with Bill Moyers, is a spiritual practice. It involves finding sacredness in being part of something while also having the courage to stand alone. This ability to stand alone, even when it risks belonging, is the mark of true belonging and leads to liberation.

BRAVING: The Seven Elements of Trust

The discussion transitions to "BRAVING," an acronym that outlines the seven elements of trust. This framework emerged from the speaker's work with leadership teams in large organizations, where trust was a recurring issue. The challenge was to define trust in observable and measurable terms, moving beyond vague statements like "we have trust issues."

Here's a breakdown of each element:

• B - Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries and asking for them when unclear. Being explicit about what is and isn't acceptable.
• R - Reliability: Doing what you say you will do and saying what you do. Avoiding overcommitment driven by a need for worthiness.
• A - Accountability: Holding people accountable directly, without back-channeling or blaming.
• V - Vault: Maintaining confidentiality. This includes not only keeping secrets but also refraining from sharing information that isn't yours to share, even as a bid for connection. Sharing other people's stories as "currency" erodes trust.
• I - Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort and practicing your values. This means choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, and easy.
• N - Non-judgment: Creating an environment where people can ask for help without feeling judged, and extending that same non-judgment to oneself.
• G - Generosity: Assuming positive intent when things go wrong. Giving others the benefit of the doubt before reacting with anger.

The speaker emphasizes that BRAVING is a tool for navigating the "wilderness," those times when we stand alone or step outside our comfort zones. It serves as a checklist for self-alignment and helps manage challenging situations.

Dehumanization and Rehumanization

A significant portion of the conversation addresses the dangers of dehumanization. The speaker highlights that humans are neurobiologically wired to avoid harming one another. Dehumanization is a gradual process, primarily using words and images, to move individuals or groups out of our "moral protective zone." This process is at the core of every genocide in history, where language is used to portray certain groups as subhuman, justifying violence against them.

The speaker expresses concern that dehumanizing language is increasingly prevalent in contemporary discourse, both from leadership and resistance movements. She argues that this language makes it easier to inflict physical harm and ultimately chips away at our own souls. Dehumanization is characterized as emotional offloading, self-indulgent, and a way to release anger and fear, but it is not a tool for social justice.

The conversation emphasizes the importance of rehumanizing those with whom we disagree, retaining dignity and humanity even in difficult conversations. The speaker quotes from her book, stating that if you are offended when Hillary Clinton or Maxine Waters are called derogatory names, you should be equally offended when those same names are used to describe Ivanka Trump, Kellyanne Conway, or Theresa May.

Navigating Conflict and Difficult Conversations

The discussion explores the challenges of navigating conflict and having difficult conversations, particularly in the context of social media. The speaker acknowledges the tension and vulnerability in supporting both the police and activists, and the criticism that arises from those who insist on false dichotomies.

She emphasizes that opting out of speaking out due to fear of criticism is a form of privilege. The key to engaging in these conversations is to stay grounded in humility and curiosity. Acknowledge imperfection upfront, but don't let it prevent participation. The speaker advocates for contributing more than criticizing and encourages people to "shut up" if all they're doing is tearing down those who are trying to engage in constructive dialogue.

The speaker shares her approach to managing her Facebook page, where disagreement and debate are welcome, but shaming, name-calling, and putting people down are not tolerated. She emphasizes the importance of policing comments to maintain a safe space for conversation. She responds only to people who are showing up as themselves, not anonymous accounts.

The speaker distinguishes between holding people accountable and shaming them, arguing that shame never drives positive behavior. Instead, it leads to rage, anger, rationalization, and blame. She emphasizes that holding people accountable is not as emotionally satisfying as shaming them, but it is a more effective approach.

Authenticity and "I Shall Not Be Moved"

The conversation shifts to the speaker's personal journey with authenticity, referencing the Maya Angelou quote "I shall not be moved." She discusses the pressure she has faced to conform to certain expectations, such as not talking about faith in corporate settings or not cursing in church settings.

The speaker has reached a point where she refuses to compromise her authenticity. She explains that she connects with people by being herself, and that includes cussing and praying. She is willing to negotiate contracts or topics, but not her identity. She emphasizes that fitting in at the expense of belonging to oneself is a betrayal.

The speaker shares an anecdote about showing up at an event with Liz Gilbert, both wearing ponchos and clogs, and realizing they looked like they were attending a therapist convention. She also recounts early experiences with TV pilots where producers wanted her to be someone she wasn't, which led her to create Marie TV on the internet, where she could be herself.

She advises those starting out in the business to be careful of "shiny objects" and opportunities that require them to compromise their authenticity.

Closing Thoughts: "I Am the Wilderness"

The conversation concludes with the speaker reading the closing passage from her book: "There will be times when standing alone feels too hard, too scary, and we'll doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty. Someone somewhere will say, 'Don't do it. You don't have what it takes to survive the wilderness.' This is when you reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself, 'I am the wilderness.'"

The speaker emphasizes that our worth and belonging are not negotiated with others; they reside within our hearts. She encourages listeners to embrace their "wild" nature and find others who are doing the same.

Synthesis/Conclusion

The core message revolves around the courage to be authentic, to stand alone when necessary, and to engage in difficult conversations with humility and curiosity. It emphasizes the importance of trust, as defined by the BRAVING framework, and the dangers of dehumanization. The conversation encourages listeners to contribute more than they criticize, to hold others accountable without resorting to shame, and to remember that their worth and belonging are not contingent on external validation. Ultimately, the message is one of self-acceptance, courage, and the power of human connection.