Telling On Yourself | Juanita Capri Brown | TEDxSonomaCounty

Key Concepts:

• Telling on yourself: Recognizing and vulnerably admitting an uncomfortable truth about oneself.
• Self-tenderness: Being as kind to oneself as one would be to a dear friend when one has stumbled or messed up.
• Alignment: Feeling connected to one's values and core self.
• Vulnerability: Being open and honest about one's flaws and insecurities.
• Accountability: Taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact.

1. Definition and Importance of Telling on Yourself

• Telling on yourself is defined as recognizing and vulnerably admitting an uncomfortable truth about yourself, often lying beneath something you've said, thought, or done that has contributed to a misaligned dynamic.
• The speaker emphasizes that telling on yourself has significantly improved the quality of her life, deepening her sense of alignment with her core self and fostering more authentic connections with others.
• It's presented as a tool for making things right in relationships and various aspects of life.

2. Personal Admissions as Examples

• The speaker shares three personal admissions to illustrate the concept:
  • Feeling jealous of a friend (Tasha).
  • Feeling insecure about professional abilities and criticizing a partner's housework.
  • Being harder on Black people regarding COVID masking due to internal biases.

3. Case Study: University Course and Speaker Incident

• The speaker recounts a situation where she invited a speaker to a university course for two consecutive years, despite receiving negative feedback from students in the first year.
• She realized that she dismissed the concerns of students (Asian heritage, biracial, or white) due to her own biases.
• She admitted to herself and the class that if a critical mass of Black students had voiced the same concerns, she wouldn't have invited the speaker back.
• This admission was described as difficult, causing physical reactions like sweating and spine vibrations.
• The students responded with compassion and grace.

4. The Role of Self-Tenderness

• The speaker emphasizes that the ability to tell on herself was made possible by the practice of self-tenderness.
• Self-tenderness involves being as kind to oneself as one would be to a dear friend when one has made a mistake.
• This practice helps prevent self-cancellation and fosters accountability.
• "When I have stumbled or messed up how can I be as kind to myself as I would a dear friend whom I loved and respected? How can I not cancel myself?"

5. Practical Steps for Practicing Telling on Yourself

• Step 1: Ask yourself what is an underneath truth about yourself that if you admitted it would shift you back into feeling more connected aligned to your values another person your own soul.
• Step 2: Cultivate personal and shared practices of telling on yourself.
  • Start with low-stakes admissions in a journal or on paper.
  • Progress to admitting to a trusted person or small circle, ensuring discernment and consent.
  • The speaker shares that she has a weekly call with two trusted women where they tell on themselves without judgment.
  • Her life partner also practices telling on himself to her.
• Step 3: Ensure it's a pure telling on yourself, avoiding feedback or critique of others and letting go of expectations of reciprocation.

6. Key Considerations and Cautions

• Telling on yourself is primarily for personal growth and freedom, not to win people over.
• Discernment and consent are crucial when sharing with others.
• Avoid smuggling in feedback or critique about the other person.
• Let go of any expectation of reciprocation.

7. Benefits and Outcomes

• Telling on yourself can smooth out relationships, inject trust, care, and accountability into groups.
• It allows one to return to the truth that "in the light and shadow of all that is you, you are enough."
• It can be a place of stillness amidst external pressures.

8. Synthesis/Conclusion

Telling on yourself, coupled with self-tenderness, is presented as a powerful practice for personal growth, fostering authentic connections, and promoting accountability. It involves vulnerably admitting uncomfortable truths about oneself, primarily for personal liberation, and can lead to improved relationships and a deeper sense of self-acceptance. The speaker provides practical steps and cautions to guide individuals in implementing this practice effectively.