Survivor domestic abuse speaks up - I left on a tuesday | Chiara Lisowski | TEDxMaastricht

Key Concepts:

• Domestic abuse (emotional, psychological, physical)
• Gaslighting and manipulation
• Erosion of self-esteem and self-worth
• Isolation from friends and family
• Cycle of abuse (good times followed by bad times)
• Brainwashing and control
• Leaving an abusive relationship (most dangerous time)
• Rebuilding life after abuse
• Self-love and boundaries

Personal Experience with Domestic Abuse

The speaker recounts her experience with domestic abuse, starting from meeting her abuser at university in Italy. She describes him as a charming Brazilian artist. Initially, she was head over heels for him.

• Early Stages: She acknowledges his moody and jealous behavior early on but dismisses it due to being in love. She changed her behavior, deleted Facebook, dropped male friends to meet his expectations.
• Moving to Brazil: She moved with him to Brazil and attributed his confusing behavior to cultural differences and language barriers.
• Escalation of Abuse: Over four years, she endured emotional, psychological, and physical abuse. She emphasizes that abuse is gradual, chipping away at self-esteem and isolating the victim.
• Internalization and Self-Blame: In 2013, she was convinced the abuse was her fault and hid her reality from everyone. Simple decisions became impossible, and she became a shadow of her former self.
• Physical Violence: She details instances of physical violence, including being pushed, pinched, spat at, having her eardrum perforated, bones broken, and being strangled.
• Realization and Seeking Help: She started realizing something was wrong and searched online for relationship problems. She contacted Women's Aid, a UK national charity for domestic abuse, who highlighted the danger she was in.

The Difficulty of Leaving

Despite recognizing the danger, she found it difficult to leave.

• Responsibility and Fear: She felt responsible for him, especially after he was injured. She was afraid and felt trapped.
• Isolation: She was isolated in Brazil, far from friends and family.
• Breaking the Silence: During a Skype call with her aunt, she finally admitted she was being abused.

Operation Escape

Her family initiated "operation escape" to get her home.

• Challenges: Leaving was difficult because she didn't want to leave in secret, fearing it would confirm his accusations. She also had no money left.
• Financial Support: Her parents and best friend offered to pay for her flight home.
• Confusing Behavior: During the weeks it took to organize her departure, he became nice again, creating confusion and making her question her decision.
• Final Departure: She left with only her suitcase and her dog.

Rebuilding Life After Abuse

Since leaving, she has rebuilt her life.

• Reclaiming Freedom: She reconnected with old friends, made new friends, found a great job, and rediscovered her voice.
• Therapy and Healing: She needed therapy and medication to heal.
• Self-Love and Boundaries: She learned to love herself and rebuild her boundaries.
• Finding Love: She met the real love of her life and is flourishing.

Key Statements:

• "Abuse is about control."
• "When you hear the same negative rhetoric day-in day-out gradually getting more and more negative you start to believe it and absorb it until you are completely overtaken by it."
• "Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done."
• "I know myself I now realize I am brave I am worthwhile and that I am not to blame for what I went through."

Conclusion:

The speaker's story is a powerful account of domestic abuse, highlighting the gradual nature of the abuse, the difficulty of leaving, and the possibility of rebuilding a fulfilling life afterward. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing the signs of abuse, seeking help, and breaking the silence.