Stop avoiding your problems and start addressing them | Oliver Burkeman for BT+

Key Concepts

Dual Objection to Problems: The tendency to not only grapple with a problem but also feel indignant that problems exist at all.
Developing a Taste for Problems: Shifting perspective to recognize that problems are inherent to life and can be a source of meaningful activity.
Resonance (Hartmut Rosa): A state of being alive and engaged with the world, which is lost in a life devoid of problems.
Problems as the Job: Understanding that the challenges and unforeseen issues are often the core of one's role and contribute to its meaning and enjoyment.
Avoidance: The act of sidestepping tasks or areas of life that trigger fear or intimidation.
"Gnawing Rats" (Paul Loomans): Metaphor for avoided tasks or issues that persistently cause unease.
Befriending Gnawing Rats: Consciously engaging with avoided issues, even if it's just a psychological acknowledgment, to reduce their power.
Transforming Gnawing Rats: The process of turning avoided issues into manageable concerns, symbolized by transforming them into "fluffy white sheep."
Tiny Increments: The strategy of breaking down daunting tasks into very small, manageable steps to overcome avoidance and facilitate growth.
Discomfort as a Sign of Growth: Recognizing that feelings of awkwardness and discomfort during change are often indicators that one is challenging deeply conditioned patterns.
Cringe as a Defense Mechanism: The tendency to dismiss certain personal development advice or concepts as "cringey" or embarrassing as a way to protect oneself from vulnerable material.

The Dual Objection to Problems and Developing a Taste for Them

Oliver Burkeman, author of "Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts," argues that we exacerbate our struggles with life's ordinary problems due to a "dual objection." This involves not only dealing with the problem itself but also harboring an underlying indignation that problems should exist in our lives at all. We often believe we should have reached a stage where problems are absent, allowing us to perform our jobs perfectly or enjoy family life without challenges.

Burkeman suggests that developing a "taste for having problems" is beneficial. This begins with recognizing the absurdity of the demand for a problem-free existence. While specific, severe problems are to be avoided, at a general level, problems represent areas where our limited capacities encounter reality, necessitating our engagement. He cites German social theorist Hartmut Rosa, who describes a life without problems as one that has lost its "resonance," becoming empty and meaningless.

Problems as the Core of Meaningful Activity

A friend's realization that "the problems were the job" illustrates this point. Her creative and energetic ability to resolve unforeseen issues was precisely why she was in her position. A job devoid of such challenges, reduced to predictable steps, would be unenjoyable and susceptible to automation. This highlights that engaging with problems is not a hindrance to meaningful activity but often its very essence.

The Hindrance of Avoidance and "Gnawing Rats"

A significant obstacle to living and working meaningfully is avoidance – the tendency to sidestep tasks or life areas that trigger fear or intimidation. Examples include not checking a bank balance due to fear of insufficient funds, delaying medical attention for physical pain, or ignoring a cluttered garage.

Dutch Zen monk Paul Loomans describes these avoided issues as "gnawing rats" that persistently bother us, especially in quiet moments. He proposes "befriending our gnawing rats" as the path forward. This involves consciously building a psychological relationship with the avoided task, rather than actively trying to keep it at bay.

The Process of Befriending Gnawing Rats

The key step is to "turn towards" these gnawing rats. This doesn't necessarily mean immediate action. For instance, with a cluttered shed, it might involve simply entering the space and psychologically acknowledging its presence, no longer actively excluding it. It could also involve visualizing the initial steps of a daunting project or writing down what those first steps would entail.

Loomans and Burkeman's experience suggest that this conscious process of re-engaging with the avoided issue brings it back into our acknowledged reality. Subsequently, the opportune moment to take the first step often arises. The crucial element is the conscious effort to acknowledge and relate to the issue, rather than expending energy pretending it doesn't exist.

Navigating Awkwardness and Growth Through Tiny Increments

When embarking on new endeavors that involve growth and challenge our inner selves, two points are crucial:

Discomfort is Not a Sign of Error: Feelings of discomfort and awkwardness are not indicators that something is wrong. Instead, they can be signs that something is right, signifying that the change is challenging deeply conditioned internal patterns. Expecting and accepting this awkwardness is key.
Work in Incredibly Tiny Increments: A useful question to ask is, "How much of something or what version of something am I willing to do in this moment?" For example, if public speaking is daunting, instead of aiming to speak to a thousand people, one might aim for a much smaller, introductory version of the activity. The realization that there's almost always a level at which one is willing to take the next step, even if it's a very low-level one, is empowering.

Dismissing "Cringe" as a Defense Mechanism

Burkeman shares a personal observation: certain personal development advice can evoke a feeling of "cringe" or embarrassment, leading to a desire to dismiss it. He has learned that this reaction is often a defense mechanism against the material touching something vulnerable within oneself. By being sardonic or dismissive, one attempts to protect oneself from this vulnerability. He concludes, with confidence, that this is a common and important insight gained from experience in the personal development sphere.