Single in Indonesia: Stigma and emancipation | DW Documentary

Key Concepts

• Social Expectations in Indonesia: Pressure to marry, especially for young adults, driven by religious and cultural norms.
• Taruf: An Islamic dating process with formal introductions and a facilitator, aimed at a quick marriage commitment.
• Dating Apps: Online platforms used by young Indonesians to find partners while navigating conservative social norms.
• Divorce Stigma: Negative perceptions and social exclusion faced by divorced individuals, particularly women, in Indonesia.
• Patriarchal Culture: The influence of patriarchal values on the challenges faced by divorced women, including legal and economic disadvantages.
• Save Jandanda: A support group for divorced women in Indonesia, providing assistance in rebuilding self-esteem and addressing domestic violence.

Marriage Pressure and Social Expectations

In Indonesia, marriage is deeply ingrained in society as a religious and cultural ideal. Young adults face significant pressure to marry, often from their families. The average age of marriage, according to the Indonesian Statistics Office, is 27.1 years for men and 22.4 years for women. Fakri Akbar Maana, a 26-year-old doctoral student, exemplifies this pressure, with his mother regularly introducing him to potential partners. This pressure can affect self-confidence as Fakri states, "Why are you pressuring me i can find love myself i'm fed up with this it's affecting my self-confidence do you think I can't do it by myself?". Traditional Indonesian parents view marriage as a way for their children to gain responsibility and have a companion, as Fakri's mother explains, "as soon as he has his own family he'll have more responsibility...I'd like him to have a companion someone to lean on a steady anchor".

Navigating Love: Taruf and Dating Apps

To reconcile traditional values with modern dating, young Indonesians are exploring options like Taruf and dating apps. Taruf is a dating process that adheres to strict Islamic values, involving formal introductions and a facilitator. Prospective participants answer questions about their values and readiness for marriage. Fakri decided to try taruf because he wanted to find his own life partner. He felt that his mom was always introducing women to him, and he wanted to do his own searching. Dating apps like Muzmatch, Taru ID, and Time Left offer a parallel online world where young people can search for love while balancing liberal self-image and conservative control. Kusnel Kotima uses dating apps to find love and a sense of community, stating that "you need to come with like an open mind and an open heart where you get to talk about anything at all...and build meaningful connections".

The Stigma of Divorce

Despite rising divorce rates in Indonesia (increasing by an average of 6% each year and more than doubled since 2007), divorcees face significant social stigma. Divorced women are often accused of being seducers or being unable to stand on their own two feet. Mellie, a divorced woman, highlights the inadequate legal protection for women in Indonesia, where marriage law favors the husband. This often leads to economic insecurity and social exclusion for divorced women. Men, on the other hand, face pressure to remarry quickly to stabilize their social status.

Challenges Faced by Divorced Women

Divorced women in Indonesia face numerous challenges, including economic insecurity, social exclusion, and the perception of being "second-class citizens." Many struggle to re-enter the workforce after years without professional experience. Mellie notes that "the worst thing in Indonesia is that many men think they can just make a pass at me and most of them are married". Save Jandanda, a support group founded by Muti Pruman, aims to help divorced women rebuild their self-esteem and address issues like domestic violence. Pruman emphasizes that "as long as Indonesia's patriarchal culture persists the stigmatization of divorced women will continue". 80% of the women at Save Jandanda are victims of domestic violence.

Finding Support and Moving Forward

Ferman, a divorced man, emphasizes the importance of seeking help and talking through issues to avoid psychological problems. He believes that "it's absolutely legitimate to look for a space to move on especially for people with a similar background to mine". Save Jandanda provides a space for divorced women to find support and rebuild their lives.

Conclusion

The video highlights the complex interplay between tradition, religion, and individual desires in the context of love and marriage in Indonesia. While social expectations and cultural norms exert significant pressure, young Indonesians are exploring new ways to navigate relationships, whether through Taruf, dating apps, or conscious decisions to defy societal norms. The stigma surrounding divorce, particularly for women, remains a significant challenge, but support groups like Save Jandanda are working to empower divorced women and challenge patriarchal attitudes. Ultimately, the stories of Fakri, Kusnel, Ferman, and Mellie demonstrate the diverse experiences and evolving attitudes towards love and marriage in Indonesia.