Shared Firsts: Redesigning How We Find Belonging | Amanda Black | TEDxSan Diego Studio

Key Concepts:

• Shared Firsts: New experiences done together that foster deep and rapid connection.
• Loneliness: The feeling of not being truly seen or having someone to lean on.
• Connection: The feeling of being understood, valued, and supported by others.
• Intentional Memory Creation: Deliberately planning activities to create lasting bonds with others.
• Vulnerability: Being open and honest about one's feelings and experiences.

Loss and the Search for Connection

• The speaker begins by describing the profound loss of her mother, who was her closest confidante and source of security.
• Her mother's dying wish was for the speaker to have love in her life and not be lonely.
• After her mother's death, the speaker felt lost and without a sense of belonging, leading her to embark on ten years of solo travel.
• The speaker's travels included backpacking through Central America, obtaining a Divemaster certification, studying Ayurveda in India, attending grad school in Australia, and training to be a yoga teacher.
• She initially believed that healing would come from external factors like new places or certifications, but she found it in unexpected connections with strangers.

The Power of Shared Firsts

• The speaker realized that deep connections formed quickly with strangers through shared new experiences, which she terms "shared firsts."
• Shared firsts are defined as doing something new together, something out of the routine, a little scary, or disorienting.
• These experiences create instant connections because they require presence and co-creation.
• Example: Crossing chaotic streets together, trying new foods, navigating confusing train schedules.

Creating Connection Intentionally

• The speaker questioned whether these connections could be created intentionally, leading her to found the Solo Female Traveler Network.
• The Solo Female Traveler Network is now the largest community for women who travel solo.
• She has led hundreds of trips and gatherings, observing women forming deep bonds in a short amount of time.
• Example: On a Halloween tour in Romania, women shared feelings of loneliness back home after a unique experience in a 13th-century cemetery.
• The speaker emphasizes that shared firsts make connection not only possible but instant.

Practical Steps to Create Shared Firsts

• Shared firsts don't necessarily require big travel adventures; they can be incorporated into daily life.
• The key is to break from routine and intentionally create memories with others.
• Suggestions for creating shared firsts:
  • Host a night where everyone teaches a random skill (e.g., pickle making, origami).
  • Create a mini food tour in a random neighborhood.
  • Learn something new together (e.g., dancing, pottery).
  • Engage in adventurous activities (e.g., rock climbing, driving a speedboat).
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of asking deeper questions to foster connection.
  • Instead of "What do you do?", try "What are you most excited about right now?" or "What's something you've always wanted to try?"

The Craving for Connection

• The speaker emphasizes that everyone craves connection, wanting to be listened to and feel valued.
• She encourages listeners to be the ones who initiate connection and show up for others.
• She suggests blaming any awkwardness on the TEDx talk.

Conclusion

• The speaker concludes by stating that she still misses her mother but has learned to create connection and share moments of love, even in unfamiliar places or with strangers.
• She emphasizes that everyone is capable of creating deep connection and is only one shared first away from it.