Saving young men starts with changing how we talk about them | Richard Reeves

Key Concepts

• Blame Instinct: The tendency to attribute struggles of young men (e.g., unemployment, lack of ambition) to personal failings rather than systemic issues.
• "Lost" Generation: A feeling among many young men of lacking purpose, role, or place in the modern world.
• Mental Health Crisis: Specific and often overlooked trends in male mental health, including rising drug poisoning deaths and suicides, particularly among young men.
• Drug Poisoning Deaths: Fatalities resulting from drug overdose, which have seen a significant increase among men.
• Suicide Rates: The incidence of self-inflicted deaths, with men accounting for a disproportionately high percentage and a recent surge among young men.
• Gendered Professions: The increasing feminization of critical professions like psychology, social work, and teaching, and the implications of declining male representation.
• Stagnant Wages: The lack of growth in real wages for certain segments of the male population, particularly those without college degrees.
• "Get-Rich-Quick" Culture: The online phenomenon promoting rapid wealth accumulation, often preying on young men's risk appetite and leading to financial difficulties.
• Online Gambling Addiction: The heightened vulnerability of men to addiction, especially to online gambling, linked to dopamine system responses.
• Non-Toxic Masculinity: A positive and aspirational vision of male identity that moves beyond merely "not being poisonous."
• Offline Role Models: The critical importance of real-life male figures (teachers, coaches, fathers, uncles) in demonstrating healthy masculinity.
• Shoulder-to-Shoulder Communication: A preferred communication style for many men, involving shared activities rather than direct face-to-face confrontation, facilitating openness.
• Risk Appetite: The inherent tendency for men, on average, to take more risks, which can manifest as both positive (heroism) and negative (addiction, recklessness) behaviors.
• Educational Disparities: The growing achievement gap in schools where boys are falling behind girls, particularly in English and in poorer districts.

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The Blame Game and the "Lost" Generation of Young Men

Richard Reeves, President of the American Institute for Boys and Men and author of "Of Boys and Men," highlights a prevalent societal tendency to blame young men for their struggles. He notes an "eye roll" reaction, suggesting they are "feckless" and merely need to "get off the sofa and stop smoking so much weed and playing video games." Reeves argues this instinct to blame is less common for other demographic groups. He asserts that many young men feel "lost," caught in a "pinball machine" of conflicting expectations—being told they are "too masculine on Tuesdays and not masculine enough on Wednesdays." This leads to a profound question: "What's my place in the world, why am I needed, what's my role going to be going forward?" Reeves warns that this sense of being "up for grabs" should trigger alarm bells. He emphasizes that while discussing challenges faced by boys and men can be difficult, it's crucial to acknowledge average differences between genders in areas like learning styles, risk-taking, addiction risk, competitiveness, and emotional vocabulary, without resorting to stereotyping.

The Unseen Mental Health Crisis Among Men

Reeves expresses deep concern over mental health trends affecting both genders but points out a significant disparity in attention. While teen girls and young women receive considerable focus, the mental health crisis among teen boys and young men often goes overlooked. He reveals alarming statistics:

• Drug Poisoning Deaths: Deaths from drug poisoning among men have increased sixfold since 2001, resulting in an additional 400,000 male deaths—a number equivalent to U.S. losses in World War II. Men account for 70% of all drug poisoning deaths.
• Suicide Rates: Men account for 80% of suicides in the U.S. Since 2010, the rise in suicide rates has been "almost entirely driven among young men" under the age of 30, increasing by almost a third. This marks a shift from the Great Recession period (pre-2010) when middle-aged men saw a significant increase. Reeves notes that the reasons for this shift are not fully understood.

Decline of Men in Critical Professions and its Impact

A significant factor contributing to the mental health crisis is the dramatic decline in male representation within mental health professions:

• Therapists and Counselors: Only one in five psychologists and social workers, and even fewer counselors, are men. These numbers have more than halved in recent decades.
• Psychology Undergraduate Degrees: In 1971, men constituted 56% of psychology undergraduates; now, it's 20% and falling. Reeves argues that the "psychology profession cratering the share of men is as big a problem as the lack of women in, say, areas like tech or engineering." He suggests that representation in professions like teaching and mental health might be even more critical. This decline is problematic because many men and boys find it easier to talk to male therapists, and they are already less likely than women to seek help for mental health issues.

Economic Struggles and the "Get-Rich-Quick" Trap

Reeves highlights the economic challenges facing men, particularly working-class men:

• Labor Force Participation: There has been a decline in the share of men in the labor force, most worryingly among young men. This isn't a "swap" where men are taking on more caregiving roles; rather, it signifies a broader "break from society."
• Stagnant Wages: Men without a college degree earn no more today than they did in 1979, representing "almost half a century of stagnant wages." Men born into lower-income families are generally worse off than those born just 15 years earlier.
• Economic Disparity: While men with college degrees at the top of the distribution continue to see rising wages, "the sharp edge of the issues facing boys and men is absolutely being felt by the men with the least economic power." Reeves stresses the importance of addressing the struggles of "tens of millions of working class men and women" who are grappling with a brutal new economy, rather than focusing "almost exclusively on the kind of elite part of the problem."

This economic vulnerability is exploited by the "get-rich-quick" culture prevalent online. Reeves notes a trend where young men are encouraged to seek rapid wealth, avoid corporate jobs, and bypass entry-level positions. He cautions that while online examples of quick wealth exist, they are "the exception that proves the rule." He worries that the importance of entrepreneurship has been "overdone" as a solution to poverty for young men. Online algorithms effectively "play into that higher risk appetite among young men," acting like a "fish hook" with "shiny objects" that promise quick solutions but often lead to addiction and financial ruin. States legalizing online sports betting, for instance, have seen increases in bankruptcies and reductions in credit scores, especially among young, lower-income men. Men are "much more likely to become addicted to most things," particularly online gambling, due to factors related to the dopamine system and the "high" from rewards.

Navigating Online Influences and Fostering Healthy Masculinity

Reeves advises parents against a knee-jerk, "moral fervor" reaction when discovering their sons consume content from controversial figures like Andrew Tate. He suggests that slamming a laptop in anger only validates the reactionary influencer's narrative that "nobody will want you to talk about watching my stuff." Instead, parents should approach with "curiosity," asking "Why are you interested in this?" and engaging in open discussion. He advocates for parents to take "deep breaths," be "open-minded," and become an "ally and a partner" to their sons.

He argues that the most effective way to counter negative online influences is through "offline, in real life" experiences. This involves having visible male teachers, coaches, fathers, uncles, and neighbors who embody "a living and breathing version of what it means to be a man." Reeves believes that "boys, young men will believe their eyes more than their ears." A lack of real-life male role models creates a "vacuum" that online figures readily fill.

Addressing Educational Disparities and Promoting Male Role Models

Reeves calls for policy changes to address these issues, including:

• Increasing Male Mental Health Workforce: Boosting the number of men in mental health professions.
• Targeted Suicide Prevention: Implementing programs specifically aimed at men, who are at four times higher risk of suicide.
• More Male Teachers: A significant push to get more men into classrooms. Reeves notes that men are now a minority of teachers in almost every subject, including career and technical education (down from 33% in the early 80s to 23% now). This is fewer men in teaching than women in STEM professions.

He emphasizes that the presence of men in schools provides "actual role models" that can be a positive alternative to online figures, especially for boys without strong father figures. A third of K-12 male teachers also coach, providing an additional benefit. Reeves describes coaches as "mental health professionals in disguise," who can open conversations with boys in a safe, non-threatening "shoulder to shoulder" manner. He notes that many men credit coaches with playing a hugely important role in their lives, often filling a father-figure void.

Communication Styles and Acknowledging Male Strengths

Reeves highlights a key difference in male communication: men often communicate more comfortably "shoulder to shoulder" rather than "face to face," which can feel threatening. He suggests activities like fishing, driving, or hiking for meaningful conversations with young men, a concept now adopted in "walk and talk therapy." He shares an example of a volunteer who takes struggling boys for walks, finding them more likely to open up.

He cautions against treating men as "defective women, or vice versa," but rather acknowledging natural differences. Reeves notes the difficulty many men and boys have in articulating what they like about being a man, fearing it might be perceived as a claim of superiority over women. He uses the example of risk-taking: men, on average, have a higher risk appetite. This is both good (e.g., saving lives) and bad (e.g., gambling addiction, reckless behavior). He concludes that society needs to "recognize and honor both" male and female approaches to risk.

Reeves recounts a vivid memory of a school hallway where one side was filled with notices for girls' programs ("Girls on the Run," "Girls Who Code," "The future is female"), while the opposite wall for boys was "completely empty." This sent an implicit message that "we don't need to do anything for boys because the world is made for boys. Men are gonna be fine." He argues this perspective is "out of date."

He points to significant educational disparities:

• GPA: In the top 10% of high school students, two-thirds are girls; in the bottom 10%, two-thirds are boys.
• Academic Performance: In average U.S. school districts, girls are almost a grade level ahead in English, with no gap in math. In the poorest districts, boys are behind in both English and math.

Reeves urges society to maintain the "empowering and uplifting atmosphere" created for women and girls in schools, but to extend the same for boys. He criticizes phrases like "The future is female," stating, "The future can't be female or male. It has to be for everybody." He calls for an updated way of thinking and talking about these issues, one that "in no way puts the brakes on girls and women," but also doesn't inadvertently send the message to boys and men that "they don't matter as much or that they don't need as much."

Conclusion

The speaker, Richard Reeves, presents a compelling case that modern society is failing many boys and men, particularly those from working-class backgrounds, leading to significant mental health crises, economic stagnation, and a sense of being "lost." He argues that a societal tendency to blame, coupled with a neglect of male-specific struggles in areas like education and mental health, has created a dangerous vacuum often filled by negative online influences. Reeves advocates for a balanced approach that acknowledges and addresses the unique challenges faced by boys and men—such as their communication styles, risk appetite, and need for positive male role models—without diminishing the ongoing efforts to support women and girls. The core takeaway is the urgent need for updated perspectives, targeted policies, and real-life interventions to foster a future that is inclusive and uplifting for everyone, regardless of gender.