Life after losing my son to suicide

This transcript details a parent's profound grief and journey following the suicide of their son, Jonathan. The narrative highlights the shock and disbelief experienced by the family, the struggle to cope with the loss, and the eventual path towards healing and support.

The Shock of Loss and Disbelief

The speaker recounts the last moments with their son, Jonathan, on the morning of his death. They shared breakfast at Yakun, and the last words exchanged were "love you son" and the reciprocal "love you ba, love you ma." This seemingly ordinary morning made the subsequent news of Jonathan's death by suicide incredibly difficult to accept. The speaker expresses a strong disbelief, stating, "I absolutely did not want to believe anything that she said because come on, in the morning it was a great breakfast. It was a family thing and nothing was a miss." The active status of Jonathan's handphone served as a painful reminder, making it feel as though he was "still around." The last photo on his phone was of the parents celebrating their anniversary, a poignant symbol of their last shared happy memory.

The Impact of Grief and Isolation

The loss of Jonathan had a devastating impact on the parents. The speaker confesses to feeling "helpless" and describes an internal feeling of "rotting away," a sentiment they kept hidden from their family due to a lack of courage to share. This internal struggle underscores the isolating nature of profound grief, especially when dealing with the stigma surrounding suicide. The speaker notes that ten days after losing Jonathan, they stopped celebrating their anniversary, indicating a significant disruption in their lives and traditions.

The Path to Healing: Family and Support

A crucial step in their healing process was the decision to hold a family meeting. The speaker emphasized the importance of not avoiding conversations about their lost son, but rather weaving his memory into their "daily conversation, everyday life." This approach proved to be "very helpful until now."

The speaker also found solace and support through SOS (Samaritans of Singapore) and a support group. The support group provided a space where "everybody hold space for you and we were able to actually support one another in there." This experience led to the realization that "Don't suffer alone."

Reflections on Parenting and Understanding

As a counselor who has experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide, the speaker gained a unique perspective. They learned to view those struggling with loss as individuals possessing "their own strength therefore their own competency and capacity to uh overcome whatever that they struggle."

A significant realization for the speaker was the distinction between "loving our children and knowing our children." The mere act of loving does not guarantee understanding. The speaker stresses the need for parents to "really learn to be in their presence to really listen" and for children to feel trusted enough to share their thoughts and feelings.

Remembering Jonathan

Jonathan is remembered as a "quick on his feet" and "difficult boy to win off. Very sticky." The speaker expresses a deep sense of missing his presence, stating, "I just miss having him around. You always knew when he's around." If given the chance to speak to Jonathan now, the speaker would reiterate, "I still miss him a lot. I would still say that I can't look for anything better and to have all my four sons together."

The absence of Jonathan has left a void, even as life has returned to a semblance of normalcy. The speaker misses the "noise" associated with their other sons' gaming, a subtle reminder of the vibrant life that once filled their home.

Key Concepts

• Grief and Loss: The profound emotional and psychological impact of losing a loved one, particularly to suicide.
• Disbelief and Shock: The initial reaction to unexpected and tragic news.
• Internal Struggle: The private battle with overwhelming emotions and feelings of helplessness.
• Family Support: The importance of open communication and shared remembrance within the family unit.
• Support Groups: The value of peer support and shared experiences in navigating grief.
• SOS (Samaritans of Singapore): An organization providing crisis support.
• Parenting and Understanding: The distinction between loving children and truly knowing them, emphasizing active listening and presence.
• Resilience: The inherent strength and capacity within individuals to overcome challenges.
• Memory and Remembrance: The act of keeping the memory of a lost loved one alive through conversation and daily life.