How to speak to anyone who makes you nervous

Key Concepts

• Playfulness and Attentiveness: The two most attractive qualities in a communicator.
• Giving Getting Scale: Shifting emotional state to focus on giving rather than getting.
• Fear of Missed Potential: Anxiety arising from wanting something from an interaction.
• Fear of Judgment: Worrying about how others perceive you.
• Peripheral Vision: A technique to center oneself by blurring focus.
• Box Breathing: A breathing technique (4 seconds inhale, hold, exhale, pause) to calm the nervous system.
• Mental Primer: A phrase to focus on offering time, attention, and presence.
• Time, Attention, Presence: Three gifts to offer in any interaction.

Overcoming Nervousness in Communication: The Giving Approach

The core argument is that nervousness in communication, especially with perceived "powerful" individuals, stems from a focus on what one can get from the interaction rather than what one can give. Elite communicators prioritize giving, which fosters playfulness and attentiveness, the two most attractive qualities in communication.

1. The Giving Getting Scale

• Concept: The "Giving Getting Scale" describes how we often approach interactions with a mindset of either giving or getting.
• Explanation: We feel most at ease when we are giving. The speaker suggests shifting our emotional state to focus on giving, regardless of the other person's status.
• Example: Feeling less nervous giving to a homeless person or a disabled child compared to speaking in front of a boss or someone deemed "powerful."
• Application: Consciously choosing to approach every interaction from a place of giving.

2. Identifying the Root Fears

• Two Primary Fears: The speaker identifies two primary fears that contribute to communication anxiety:
  • Fear of Missed Potential: The anxiety of losing an opportunity or not achieving a desired outcome from the interaction. This leads to a strained and stressful state.
  • Fear of Judgment: Worrying about how others are perceiving you, leading to self-consciousness and regret.
• Analogy: The fear of judgment is likened to looking at your reflection in a pond – the distraction is always there, but you can choose to focus elsewhere.

3. Practical Techniques for Shifting Focus

The speaker presents two techniques to shift focus away from self-consciousness and towards giving:

3.1. Peripheral Vision

• Method: Extend your hands to the sides and focus on the point where they disappear from your peripheral vision.
• Process: This creates a "frosty windshield of focus," a blurred, dazed state that calms the nervous system.
• Purpose: To distract focus from the external environment and internal anxieties.
• Connection: This technique is similar to box breathing, which also redirects focus to the body.

3.2. Mental Primer

• Phrase: "I'm here to offer the gift of my time, attention, and presence to the person before me."
• Components:
  • Time: Recognizing that your time is a valuable resource.
  • Attention: Focusing solely on the person you are interacting with, avoiding distractions.
  • Presence: Being fully present in the moment, not dwelling on the past or future, and demonstrating attentive body language.
• Experiment: The speaker mentions an experiment within their program, Elite Speak, showing that it takes 20-30 repetitions of the mental primer for it to become ingrained.
• Purpose: To consciously shift the intention towards giving and away from self-centered anxieties.

4. The Power of Giving

• Abundance Mindset: The speaker emphasizes that happy people often operate from a place of abundance, constantly seeking opportunities to give.
• Benefits: Cultivating a giving mindset reduces anxiety and allows one to be the same person regardless of the situation or the person they are interacting with.

Conclusion

The key takeaway is that overcoming communication anxiety involves shifting from a "getting" mindset to a "giving" mindset. By practicing techniques like peripheral vision and using a mental primer to focus on offering time, attention, and presence, individuals can cultivate playfulness and attentiveness, becoming more effective and confident communicators. The speaker emphasizes that these techniques require practice and conscious effort to become ingrained habits.