How to Communicate More Assertively

Key Concepts:

• I-language vs. You-language
• Assertive Communication
• Conversational Reciprocity
• S.E.W. (Situation, Emotion, Want) framework
• Avoiding Self-centeredness

I-Language vs. You-Language

• Definition: I-language uses "I," "me," or "my" to express oneself, while you-language uses "you."
• Example: "I feel frustrated" (I-language) vs. "You are frustrating me" (You-language).
• Key Point: You-language can sound aggressive, accusatory, and escalate conversations, whereas I-language promotes emotional neutrality and assertiveness. You-language casts the other person as the villain which creates a negative feedback loop where they become defensive and less likely to address the problem. I-language positions the listener as a potential co-problem solver.

Assertive Communication through I-Language

• Benefit: I-language increases the chances of getting needs met by avoiding blame and fostering a collaborative environment.
• Conversational Reciprocity: Communication styles are contagious; using I-language encourages others to mirror that approach.
• Magic Bullet?: I-language is not a guarantee of positive response, but it increases the likelihood of a better outcome.

S.E.W. Framework: Three Ways to Use I-Language Assertively

• Acronym: S.E.W. (Situation, Emotion, Want)
  • S - Situation: Describe your interpretation of the situation.
    • Example: Instead of "You are wrong," say "Here's how I see it" or "My view of the situation is..."
  • E - Emotion: Express your feelings and emotional experiences.
    • Example: Instead of "You are frustrating me," say "I feel frustrated" or "I am burned out."
    • Caution: Avoid slipping back into you-language. For instance, instead of "I feel frustrated because you are giving me so much work," say "I feel frustrated because I have so much work to do."
  • W - Want: State what you want or need.
    • Example: Instead of "You need to give me more time off," say "I would like to take some vacation time." Instead of "You need to do some of these projects yourself" say "I need to take some of these lower priority projects off my plate."
• Application: Use S.E.W. as individual talking points or weave them together to address complex situations.
• Directness: Assertive communication is direct. I-language helps maintain assertiveness without blaming others or expecting them to read your mind.

Addressing the Perception of Self-Centeredness

• Criticism: I-language can be perceived as self-centered if overused.
• Bonus Tip 1: Use I-language strategically when assertiveness is needed and potential conflict is anticipated. Avoid overusing it in every statement.
• Bonus Tip 2: Be a good listener by flipping the S.E.W. script and asking the other person about their Situation, Emotion, and Wants. This neutralizes the perception of self-centeredness.

Conclusion

I-language is a foundational principle of assertive communication. By using the S.E.W. framework (Situation, Emotion, Want), individuals can express their needs and interests assertively without resorting to blame or aggression. To avoid being perceived as self-centered, use I-language strategically and prioritize active listening to understand the other person's perspective. This approach promotes collaboration and increases the likelihood of achieving desired outcomes.