How to be Assertive Without Being Aggressive

Key Concepts:

• One-upping: A communication style where someone attempts to assert control over the conversation, the other person, or the conversational outcomes, often perceived as aggressive.
• One-across: An assertive communication style that treats all participants as equals, avoiding power moves and inviting others to express their views.
• One-down: A submissive communication style where someone defers to others' power moves or defaults to a submissive position.
• Assertive Communication: Expressing one's needs and interests clearly while respecting the needs and interests of others.
• Power Moves: Actions or statements that attempt to establish dominance or control in a conversation.

1. One-Upping: Aggressive Communication

• Definition: One-upping is defined as attempting to assert control over a conversation, the other person, or the conversational outcomes.
• Examples:
  • Responding to someone's good news (e.g., a bonus) by sharing even better news about oneself (e.g., a bonus and a promotion).
  • Competing through the achievements of one's organization or children (e.g., "My child is premed and will be a brain surgeon" in response to "My child is pre-law").
  • Giving unsolicited advice.
  • Acting as a critic or evaluator, expecting others to seek approval.
  • Using put-downs, insults, or subtle wording to position oneself above others (e.g., referring to a married couple in their 30s as "kids," calling someone's opinion "small-minded").
• Impact: One-upping makes others feel inferior and can damage relationships.
• Solution: If you are a competitive person, consciously avoid one-upping. Instead, listen actively, ask questions, and appreciate the other person's news without feeling the need to compete or talk about yourself.

2. One-Across: Assertive Communication

• Definition: One-across communication is an assertive style that treats all participants as equals, avoiding power moves and inviting others to express their views.
• Characteristics:
  • No power moves or controlling tendencies.
  • Communicating one's interests and needs directly.
  • Inviting the other person to voice their interests.
• Example: Instead of saying, "Hey, we're going to lunch at Grind's Cafe. Let's head out," a one-across approach would be, "Some of us are about to head out to lunch. We are thinking about going to Grind's Cafe. How does that sound to you?"
• Professional Examples:
  • Instead of dictating priorities, say, "From my view, I think our priority moving forward should be to focus on more social media marketing and less traditional advertisements. What do you think our priority should be?"
  • Instead of unilaterally choosing candidates, say, "After that latest round of interviews, I still prefer candidates D and C. Who are your favorites?"
• Recipe for One-Across Communication:
  1. Remove any power moves that treat the other person as unequal.
  2. Communicate your interests clearly.
  3. Invite the other person to express their interests.
• Key takeaway: As long as you invite the other person to express their views, you will not be seen as aggressive.

3. One-Down: Submissive Communication

• Definition: One-down communication is an overly deferential style where someone quickly submits to others' power moves or defaults to a submissive position.
• Characteristics:
  • Positioning oneself as lower power, lower status, and submissive.
  • Avoiding expressing one's own preferences or needs.
• Example: When asked, "Where do you want to go to lunch?" responding with "I don't know. Let's go wherever you want to go."
• Problem: A pattern of one-down messages can be seen as submissive and passive.
• Solution:
  1. Ignore the other person's one-upping power move.
  2. Express your interest directly.
  3. Invite the other person to do the same if they haven't already.
• Example: If someone says, "Hey, we're going to lunch at Grind's Cafe. Let's head out," ignore the power move and say, "If you're going to Grinds, then I'm going to pass on the invitation, but thank you anyway." Or, "I'm not interested in going to Grinds this time, but I would like to try Jitterbugs. Would you have any interest in that? Or how does that sound?"
• Professional Examples:
  • If someone says, "It's really obvious that we should double down on our traditional advertisements," ignore the "it's really obvious" part and say, "From my view, I think our priority moving forward should be to focus on more social media marketing and less on traditional advertisements."
  • If someone says, "I think we should hire candidates A and B, end of story," ignore the "end of story" part and say, "After the latest round of interviews, I still prefer candidates D and C in that order," and provide supporting reasons.

4. Synthesis/Conclusion

The key to assertive communication is to avoid both aggressive (one-upping) and submissive (one-down) tendencies. By adopting a one-across approach, you can express your needs and interests clearly while respecting the needs and interests of others. This involves removing power moves from your communication, stating your preferences directly, and inviting others to share their perspectives. Even if others use one-upping messages, maintaining a one-across approach will help you communicate assertively without being seen as aggressive or submissive. The video is part of a series, with the next video focusing on specific ways to communicate assertively in one-on-one and group settings.