Healthier Happier #6 | Tìm thấy ý nghĩa trong những trải nghiệm bất như ý | Th.S Nguyễn Như Quỳnh

Key Concepts

• Self-care: A continuous process of paying attention to, focusing on, and nurturing oneself. It's not just about pleasant activities but also about confronting inner difficulties.
• Self-compassion: Treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times, recognizing shared humanity and the struggles of others.
• Mindfulness (Chánh niệm): Paying attention to the present moment with a truthful and engaged attitude, allowing for self-reflection and awareness of one's true feelings.
• Self-awareness: Recognizing one's own internal states, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
• Self-acceptance: Acknowledging and embracing one's current state, including imperfections and past experiences, as a foundation for change.
• Self-care Map (Selfc Map): A framework for self-care encompassing Self-Compassion (S), Core Values (C), Mindfulness (M), Awareness (A), Acceptance (A), and Practice (P).
• Coordinates of Freedom (Tọa độ tự do): Specific areas or aspects of life that an individual chooses to focus on for self-care and personal growth.
• Growing Around Grief: A model suggesting that time doesn't diminish grief but rather allows individuals to grow and find meaning in their loss.
• Digital Wellbeing: Maintaining mental and emotional health in the digital realm, balancing online engagement with personal well-being.
• Going Through vs. Overcoming: Shifting from the pressure to "overcome" difficulties to the process of "going through" them, acknowledging and integrating experiences rather than trying to escape them.

Self-Care: Nurturing Yourself in a Demanding World

This episode of "Healther Happier" on Viet Success explores the art of self-care and self-nurturing, featuring insights from Thạc sĩ Như Quỳnh, a specialist in mental health and globalized/digital era contexts, and a psychological counselor. The discussion emphasizes that self-care is a continuous, intentional process, not merely a reactive response to exhaustion or a list of pleasant activities.

The Essence of Self-Care: Beyond Reactive Measures

The conversation begins by likening self-care to charging a phone. Host Trúc Linh questions if self-care is simply stopping to recharge when one's "battery" is at 1%. Quỳnh clarifies that this is a passive, reactive approach. True self-care is a continuous process of paying attention to, focusing on, and nurturing oneself. It's about proactively cultivating well-being rather than waiting for burnout. The analogy of putting on one's own oxygen mask before assisting others on an airplane highlights the importance of prioritizing self-care.

Why Self-Care is Challenging

The difficulty in practicing self-care stems from several factors:

• Societal Conditioning: We are often more readily inclined to help others, finding a sense of purpose and positive emotion in altruism. This can lead to neglecting our own needs.
• Confronting Inner Darkness: Self-care often involves facing difficult inner emotions, past traumas, and "dark spots" within ourselves, which is inherently challenging. As Quỳnh notes, "When we help others, we feel good. But when we have to deal with our own resentment and inability to forgive, it's incredibly difficult."
• Fear of Stillness: Some individuals become uncomfortable when they have no deadlines or external demands, as it forces them to confront their inner voices and themselves. This highlights the importance of consistent self-attention.
• Misconceptions of Self-Care: Many believe self-care is solely about pleasant activities like vacations or shopping. However, Quỳnh emphasizes that confronting uncomfortable emotions is also a form of self-care. For instance, acknowledging and understanding the depth of grief after a loss, rather than trying to suppress it, is a profound act of self-nurturing.

Redefining Self-Care: Embracing Difficulties

Quỳnh introduces the Growing Around Grief model by T. Kin, which posits that time doesn't erase pain but allows for personal growth and a deeper understanding of the meaning of loss. This perspective reframes self-care as the ability to "go through" experiences rather than solely "overcoming" them. The analogy of learning to swim, where one relies on their own breath when in distress, illustrates that ultimately, we are our own primary source of support.

Navigating Life's Burdens: The Power of "Going Through"

When life feels overwhelming, the instinct is often to "overcome" the hardship. However, Quỳnh suggests that the concept of "going through" is more constructive. This involves acknowledging the pain and difficulty without the pressure to immediately escape it. For example, in relationships, instead of forcing oneself to forget a past partner, one can acknowledge the lingering feelings while choosing not to revisit the past. This shift in perspective, focusing on internal beliefs rather than solely external circumstances, is crucial.

The Impact of Being Stuck

Being "stuck" or held back by unresolved emotions and beliefs can negatively impact mental health and relationships. It creates a sense of being trapped, similar to the "Growing Around Grief" model. However, reframing these experiences as opportunities for learning and growth, such as learning to set boundaries after a painful relationship, can imbue them with value.

The "Circle of Control" Framework

To help individuals differentiate between what they can control and what they cannot, Quỳnh suggests a practical exercise: drawing concentric circles. The innermost circle represents what one can control, the next represents what one can influence or care about, and the outermost represents what is beyond their control. This framework helps individuals recognize that emotions are natural and don't need to be controlled, but rather observed and understood. This leads to self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Self-Care Map (Selfc Map): A Compass for Personal Growth

Quỳnh introduces her Self-care Map (Selfc Map), a framework developed from personal and professional practice. It's designed to be a compass for self-nurturing. The map is an acronym:

• S - Self-Compassion: Treating oneself with kindness and understanding.
• C - Core Values: Identifying and living by one's fundamental beliefs and principles.
• M - Mindfulness: Being present and attentive to the current moment.
• A - Awareness: Recognizing one's internal states and external circumstances.
• A - Acceptance: Embracing oneself and one's experiences without judgment.
• P - Practice: Consistently engaging in self-care activities.

The map emphasizes that self-care is a personal journey, and individuals choose their own "coordinates of freedom" – the specific areas they wish to focus on.

Coordinates of Freedom and the "Cham" Card Set

"Coordinates of Freedom" are the chosen destinations within the self-care journey. They represent specific aspects of life that an individual prioritizes for nurturing. To inspire practice, Quỳnh mentions a "Cham" card set, which offers starting points for self-care without requiring extensive theoretical knowledge. These cards act as prompts for engaging in activities that resonate and have a positive impact.

Self-Compassion: The Soul of Self-Care

Self-compassion is presented as the "soul" of the self-care process. It's crucial for navigating the ups and downs of personal growth, especially when comparing oneself to others. Quỳnh highlights that the journey from self-awareness to self-acceptance is not linear but involves fluctuations. Self-compassion provides the support needed to continue the process, even after setbacks.

Navigating Social Media and Digital Wellbeing

In the age of social media, constant comparison can be detrimental. Quỳnh addresses this by emphasizing digital wellbeing. Instead of digital detox, which is often temporary, the focus should be on cultivating a mindful approach to online interactions. This involves recognizing shared humanity, understanding that everyone is striving in their own way, and celebrating others' successes rather than feeling inadequate. When one's own "cup is full," it becomes easier to share and be happy for others.

Mindfulness: The Gateway to Self-Awareness and Acceptance

Mindfulness, or "chú tâm" (paying attention), is presented as a vital step towards self-awareness and self-acceptance. It involves being truthful with oneself in the present moment, observing feelings without judgment. For example, recognizing a subtle feeling of envy while outwardly congratulating someone is an act of mindfulness. This honest observation allows for self-reflection and self-nurturing.

Distinguishing Self-Care from Self-Indulgence

A key distinction is made between self-care and self-indulgence. Self-indulgence is characterized by immediate gratification and avoidance of discomfort, such as ignoring a deadline due to stress. True self-care, however, is intentional and purposeful. It involves making conscious decisions that benefit one's long-term well-being, even if they require effort or discomfort. For instance, communicating a delay on a deadline due to health reasons is self-care, whereas completely abandoning the responsibility is self-indulgence.

Self-Care in the Context of Eastern Culture

The traditional Eastern emphasis on sacrifice and endurance can be a barrier to self-care. However, Quỳnh argues that self-care is not selfish but rather a way to become a stronger support for loved ones. By being healthy and resilient, individuals can better assist those around them. Self-care is presented as a gift to oneself and to those one cares about.

Quỳnh's Personal Journey with Cancer

Quỳnh shares her recent diagnosis of cancer, highlighting how her existing self-care practices, particularly the "Circle of Control" framework and self-compassion, helped her navigate the shock. She emphasizes that accepting the diagnosis was a process, and she initially resisted identifying as a "cancer patient." Her self-care involved continuing her work, finding meaning, and preparing for treatment with a sense of agency. She also stresses the importance of evidence-based information and lifelong learning in managing health challenges.

Integrating Self-Care into Daily Life

Self-care doesn't require large blocks of time. Small, consistent actions like stretching, drinking water, or adjusting glasses are forms of self-care. The focus is on continuous attention and nurturing, not on rigid adherence to specific practices. Working with the body, as in yoga, can be a powerful way to cultivate self-awareness and acceptance, especially for those who tend to overthink.

Starting the Self-Care Journey

For beginners, Quỳnh advises starting with honesty and observing what feels right. While lists can be helpful, it's essential to adapt them to one's own needs and circumstances. Paying attention to one's body and feelings is the most crucial first step.

A Message of Freedom and Fulfillment

Quỳnh concludes with a powerful message: the self-care journey is one of freedom and fulfillment. By nurturing oneself, life becomes more comfortable, and relationships are strengthened. She encourages listeners to pay attention to their bodies, breath, and emotions, and to take small actions to support themselves. Ultimately, self-care is about living a more authentic, responsible, and balanced life, becoming a source of strength for oneself and others.