Grief is Hard... Let’s Do Better | Suzanne Jabour | TEDxSurrey

Key Concepts

Grief, grieving process, grief brain, supporting grievers, compassion, empathy, specific offers of help, long-term support, safe space for grieving, grief education.

The Problem with How We Handle Grief

The speaker begins by highlighting society's discomfort and inadequacy in dealing with grief. People tend to avoid the topic, fearing they will say or do the wrong thing. This stems from a lack of understanding and the misconception that grief should be private, quick, and quiet. The speaker emphasizes that there is no blame to be assigned, as this is a learned behavior.

Personal Experience: A Grieving Mother's Journey

In September 2020, the speaker experienced the death of her son, Ben. This personal tragedy forced her to confront her own ignorance about grief and embark on a journey of learning and understanding. She describes the initial experience as a "huge tsunami of every emotion," an "incomprehensible overwhelming swirl."

The Physical and Cognitive Impact of Grief ("Grief Brain")

Grief is not just an emotional experience; it has profound physical and cognitive effects. The speaker details the impact on sleep, appetite, and the immune system, leading to physical pain, digestive issues, and muscle weakness. The most alarming aspect was the "brain fog," characterized by hazy thoughts, difficulty concentrating, confusion, and inability to perform multi-step tasks. She illustrates this with the example of making grilled cheese sandwiches, which took 40 minutes due to the cognitive impairment. The speaker emphasizes that this "grief brain" is a normal response to loss, and it can take up to five years to feel fully functional again.

The Timeline of Grief and Societal Expectations

A common misconception is that grief should subside after the funeral or a certain period. The speaker clarifies that the most intense grief lasts for months, and for many, the second year can be even harder than the first. The goal is to eventually reach a point where memories of the deceased bring more love than pain, allowing them to be carried forward in a positive way.

How to Support Grievers Effectively

The speaker, now a certified grief educator, addresses the two most common questions: "What can I say?" and "What can I do?"

What to Say (and What Not to Say)

Many well-intentioned comments can be hurtful. Clichés like "He would want you to be happy" or "If my child died, I'd die too" shut down conversation and create distance. Instead, the speaker suggests phrases like "I don't know what to say, and I'm here for you" or "I can't imagine what you're going through, and I'm not going anywhere." These open the door for genuine connection and allow the griever to express their feelings without pressure. Sharing memories of the deceased is also valuable, as it acknowledges their existence and allows the griever to talk about them. The speaker recounts a coworker asking her to tell her about Ben, which was a powerful and supportive gesture. She emphasizes that supporters should not worry about "reminding" the griever of their loss, as they are constantly aware of it.

What to Do: Compassion in Action

The speaker defines compassion as "having empathy for another's feelings and then taking effective action to provide support." She stresses the importance of specific offers of help, as the "grief brain" struggles with abstract requests. Instead of asking "Let me know if you need anything," offer concrete assistance, such as "I'm going to the grocery store; tell me what you need" or "Garbage day is on Tuesday; can I take your cans out?" The speaker shares her personal experience of having a "magical grocery genie" for over a year, highlighting the profound impact of practical support.

Key Takeaways and Conclusion

The speaker concludes by emphasizing that grief is an inevitable part of life and that we can improve how we support those who are grieving. By understanding the nature of grief, offering genuine and open-hearted communication, and providing specific, practical assistance, we can create a culture of compassion and help grievers feel less alone. The people who showed up in this way for the speaker helped her carry the weight of her grief. The main takeaways are:

• Acknowledge the reality and complexity of grief.
• Avoid clichés and offer genuine, open-hearted communication.
• Provide specific, practical assistance tailored to the griever's needs.
• Offer long-term support, recognizing that there is no fixed timeline for grief.
• Create a safe space for the griever to express their feelings and remember their loved one.