Confessions of an accidental killer | Gregg Ward | TEDxSanDiego

Key Concepts:

• Regret: The speaker focuses on the impact of regret, particularly in the context of unintentional harm.
• Hin Fellowship: A support group for individuals who have unintentionally caused the death of another person.
• Moral Injury: The psychological distress resulting from actions that violate one's moral code.
• Accountability vs. Self-Punishment: The distinction between taking responsibility for one's actions and engaging in perpetual self-punishment.
• Transformative Action: Using regret as a catalyst for positive change and making amends.

1. The Pervasive Nature of Regret and Its Impact

• The speaker challenges the societal tendency to minimize regret, arguing that it significantly shapes identity, relationships, and life choices.
• He cites Frank Sinatra's song "My Way" as an example of this minimization, questioning the line "regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention."
• The speaker shares personal regrets, ranging from trivial (eating a box of donuts) to profound (not spending enough time with his son after his divorce).

2. The Speaker's Accidental Killing and Its Aftermath

• The speaker reveals that he unintentionally killed his high school sweetheart, Michelle, in a car accident.
• He describes the decades of guilt, shame, sorrow, and self-loathing that followed.
• He emphasizes the feeling of being alone in this experience until discovering the Hin Fellowship.
• He mentions that 30,000 people in the US accidentally kill someone every year.

3. The Hin Fellowship and Shared Experiences

• The speaker attended the first annual in-person gathering of the Hin Fellowship in Detroit.
• He describes the members as "perfectly normal reasonable caring people from all walks of life."
• He shares the story of a woman named Marie, who unintentionally caused the death of a motorcyclist.
• Marie's reaction to a subsequent accident at the same location ("thank goodness they both died because then no one has to feel the guilt") highlights the shared burden of guilt and regret within the group.
• The speaker notes how ill-equipped society is to deal with regret.

4. Questioning Common Advice: "Forgive Yourself"

• The speaker critiques the common advice to "forgive yourself," arguing that it feels like excusing his actions and letting himself off the hook.
• He emphasizes his belief that he is wholly responsible for Michelle's death and always will be.
• He stresses the need to find a way to move forward positively without self-forgiveness.

5. A Path Forward: Learning, Transforming, and Doing Good

• The speaker emphasizes that accountability doesn't necessitate lifelong self-punishment.
• He shares advice from a friend who asked, "What have you learned, and what are you going to do about it?"
• He acknowledges that regrets can be ignored, dismissed, or allowed to undermine one's life, but a different path is possible.
• This path involves owning mistakes, helping those harmed, making amends, and making a positive difference.

6. From Self-Serving Good Deeds to Genuine Impact

• The speaker admits that his earlier good works (as a theater artist, writer, and trainer) were unconsciously motivated by a desire to assuage his guilt and appear as a "good guy."
• He realized that his actions were disingenuous and focused on making himself feel better.
• He discovered the concept of moral injury and realized that he needed to make a difference in a way that Michelle would have wanted.

7. The Michelle Art Scholarship: A Transformative Action

• Seven years prior to the talk, the speaker established an art scholarship in Michelle's name at their high school.
• This action was driven by the desire to honor Michelle's aspirations as a professional artist.
• He regrets not coming to this realization sooner.
• He advises others to "change the world in the way that those you hurt would have done or would have told you to do if they could."

8. Examples of Transformative Action within the Hin Fellowship

• The woman from the Hin Fellowship (Marie) is now researching ways to make roadways safer for motorcyclists.
• Other members have become lay pastors, counselors, and mentors to those struggling with accidental killings.

9. Conclusion: Regret as a Catalyst for Positive Change

• The speaker acknowledges that everyone has regrets and that this is acceptable.
• He concludes by stating that "you can't change your past, but you can use it to correct the future."

Technical Terms and Concepts:

• Moral Injury: Psychological distress resulting from actions that violate one's moral code.
• Hin Fellowship: A support group for individuals who have unintentionally caused the death of another person.
• Accountability: Taking responsibility for one's actions.
• Self-Punishment: Engaging in perpetual negative self-talk or behaviors as a consequence of one's actions.
• Transformative Action: Using regret as a catalyst for positive change and making amends.