Between Words and Worlds | Shanshan Xu | TEDxBeaverCountryDaySchool

Key Concepts

• Chinese Naming Convention: Family name first, followed by given name, reflecting collective family importance.
• Western Naming Convention: Given name first, reflecting individualism and personal freedom.
• Language and Culture Intertwined: Languages shape thoughts and perceptions, and cultures build our understanding of the world.
• Five Love Languages: A framework (Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation) to understand and express love effectively.
• Chinese Cultural Values: Emphasis on family well-being, subtlety in expressing emotions, obedience to elders, and collective responsibility.
• American Cultural Values: Celebration of individualism, personal freedom, and direct expression of feelings.
• Navigating Cultural Complexity: The challenge and gift of living between and integrating different cultural perspectives.

Personal Identity and Naming Conventions

The speaker, Shanu, an upper school Chinese teacher at Beaver, begins by discussing her name, Shu Shanshan. She explains the Chinese naming convention where the family name (Shu) precedes the given name (Shanshan), signifying the importance of family and collective identity. This contrasts with Western naming conventions, where the given name comes first, reflecting individualism and personal freedom. Shanu shares her personal experience of adopting an English name, Susan, while studying in England, feeling a disconnect from her true identity. Her host mother's encouragement to use her given name, Shan Shan, made her feel "seen and recognized." She now uses Shan Shan in the US, viewing her name as a reflection of her transformation across two cultures.

Navigating Family Dynamics During the Pandemic

Shanu recounts a challenging period in February 2020 when her parents became stranded with her in the US due to the COVID-19 outbreak. Confined to a small apartment and dealing with the complexities of online teaching and caring for her parents, she witnessed a conflict between them. She introduces the concept of the "Five Love Languages" as a framework to address unspoken emotions and improve communication within her family, who, unlike her students, are not explicit about their feelings.

Implementing Love Languages in the Family

• Identifying Love Languages: Shanu and her parents took a quiz to discover their primary love languages. Her father's was "Quality Time," and her mother's was "Words of Affirmation."
• Ritual 1: Daily Gratitude Sharing: To address her mother's need for "Words of Affirmation" and her father's appreciation for her mother's actions, Shanu initiated a daily gratitude sharing session. This ritual helped them express appreciation for each other's contributions, such as her mother cooking familiar meals and her father doing chores. Shanu also found this ritual fulfilling her own need for "Words of Affirmation."
• Ritual 2: TikTok Dance Challenges: To fulfill her father's need for "Quality Time," Shanu and her mother learned TikTok dance moves together and involved her father in filming videos. This shared activity became a source of anticipation and connection for her father, demonstrating the effectiveness of tailoring activities to individual love languages.

These implemented rituals led to improved family relationships and a sense of growth within their confined environment.

Cultural Conflicts and Ethical Dilemmas

Shanu then shifts to a more recent experience in spring 2023, after China lifted travel restrictions. Her then-boyfriend, now husband, Drew, planned to visit her family in Chengdu. Shanu prepared Drew for various Chinese cultural practices, such as not sticking chopsticks in rice and politely refusing food multiple times. However, a significant cultural clash arose when Shanu advised Drew not to ask about her paternal grandfather, Yaya, in front of her paternal grandmother, Nainai.

The Dilemma of Truth and Protection

Drew's surprise at this instruction led to the revelation that Nainai, who is in her 90s and frail, had been kept unaware of Yaya's passing. Shanu initially felt outrage and a sense of betrayal, believing Nainai deserved the truth. However, her family's consensus was that withholding the information was "best for Nainai" to spare her grief and suffering. This presented a conflict between American values of individual rights and truth-telling, and Chinese cultural values of obedience to elders and collective responsibility for their well-being. Shanu ultimately chose to respect her family's decision, acknowledging it as their responsibility to care for Nainai. She shared this family secret, highlighting the complexities of navigating these deeply ingrained cultural differences.

Synthesis and Conclusion

Shanu concludes by reflecting on how living between Chinese and American cultures has broadened her perspective, enabling her to think in both languages and recognize previously unknown emotions and ways of perceiving the world. She views these contradictions and complexities not as obstacles but as a "gift." This duality is embodied in her son's name, Theodore Shu, which represents the blend of his heritage.

Invitation to a Parallel Journey

Shanu invites the audience to embark on a similar journey of cultural exploration:

1. Develop Language Proficiency as an Entry Point to Culture: Encourage curiosity and avoid judgment when learning new languages and cultures. Be open to learning about oneself from different perspectives and discovering new ways of thinking and expression.
2. Lean into Complexity and Contradictions: Acknowledge the challenges of balancing different versions of oneself when navigating diverse cultures. Nuanced cultural understanding emerges from immersion and continuous learning.

Shanu emphasizes that living between cultures fosters commitment and can lead to surprising personal growth and the creation of a richer world. She concludes with the powerful statement, "You can be both and. You can contain multitudes."