Bargaining with Time: What Ifs, Whys, and What’s Next | Emma Thiebault | TEDxBeaverCountryDaySchool

Key Concepts

• Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
• Non-Linearity of Grief: Grief does not follow a predictable or sequential path.
• Grief as a Process, Not an Endpoint: Grief is not something to "get over" but to learn to live with.
• Individuality of Grief: Each person experiences grief uniquely.
• Regression (Soiling the Nest): A behavior observed in seniors facing the unknown of post-high school life, characterized by acting out or reverting to earlier behaviors.

The Five Stages of Grief and Personal Experience

The video discusses the commonly known five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, the speaker emphasizes that these stages are not experienced linearly or in a fixed order, and that grief is a deeply personal and unique process. The speaker uses their own experience of losing a parent during high school as a framework to illustrate how these stages can manifest in unexpected ways.

Denial

• Description: Denial is presented as the initial stage, characterized by a refusal to accept the reality of loss. This can involve continuing to speak to or hear from the deceased, or experiencing a general numbness to pain and the outside world.
• Personal Example: The speaker relates denial to the freshman year of high school, where initial idealistic expectations (akin to "Glee" or "High School Musical") are clung to, even when reality becomes difficult. This mirrors the denial of loss by holding onto fantasies.

Depression

• Description: Depression, as a stage of grief, is complex and can manifest in various ways. The speaker cautions against the misconception that depression is simply a stage to be "gotten over," asserting that it can appear throughout the entire grieving process.
• Personal Example: The speaker associates depression with the second and third years of high school. They highlight that understanding another person's struggle with depression is difficult, and that it can appear at any point in the grieving journey, not just as a late stage.

Bargaining

• Description: Bargaining is described as a stage where individuals attempt to make deals or find reasons for their loss. This can involve bargaining with oneself, the universe, or a higher power, often leading to "what if" scenarios and self-blame.
• Personal Example: The speaker connects bargaining to junior year, a time of self-doubt and questioning past decisions. They explain that bargaining became a way to find logic in the sadness and confusion following their loss, and that it can alter how one deals with stress and new experiences. This stage involves grappling with things beyond one's control to come to terms with the unknown.

Anger and Regression

• Description: Anger is identified as a common and normal reaction to the injustice of loss, directed towards oneself, the deceased, medical professionals, or others. Regression, or "soiling the nest," is presented as a behavior associated with the fear of the unknown, particularly relevant for seniors facing the transition out of high school. This can manifest as acting out, being rude, or engaging in out-of-character behaviors.
• Personal Example: The speaker links regression to the period just before senior year, driven by anger and fear of impending changes like college. This behavior is seen as a response to the "impending doom" of leaving a familiar environment. Anger is acknowledged as a persistent emotion that can accompany grief even in later stages.

Acceptance

• Description: Acceptance is often misunderstood as the point where grief disappears. The speaker clarifies that acceptance is not about moving on or forgetting, but about learning to live with the loss. It involves acknowledging the love that led to the grief and finding a way to move forward with that understanding.
• Personal Example: The speaker admits to not having reached this stage yet, emphasizing that grief never truly goes away but becomes a part of life. They state that acceptance is about living each day with the consolation of having loved deeply, rather than forgetting the person.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

The speaker concludes by reiterating that comparing or judging grief is unproductive. They emphasize that the stages of grief are not a competition or a measure of love, but a personal journey. The core message is that grief is an inherent part of life, just as joy is, and that learning to live with it is the ultimate goal.

Notable Quote: "The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love." - Dr. Colin Parks, English psychiatrist.