Assertive Communication Skills Training

Key Concepts

• Assertive Communication
• I Language vs. You Language
• One-Upping, One-Across, One-Down Communication
• Respectful Disagreement (PEPA Framework)
• Communicating Boundaries

I Language for Assertive Communication

I Language vs. You Language

• I Language: Expressing oneself using "I," "me," or "my" to communicate feelings and perspectives. Example: "I feel frustrated."
• You Language: Using "you" to express oneself, often sounding accusatory. Example: "You are frustrating me."
• Problem with You Language: Casts the other person as the villain, leading to defensiveness and escalation. Creates a negative feedback loop.
• Benefits of I Language: Positions the listener as a potential co-problem solver, fostering support and open communication. Promotes conversational reciprocity.

Three Ways to Use I Language (S.E.W. Acronym)

1. Situation (S): Describe your interpretation of the situation.
   • Instead of "You are wrong," say "Here's how I see it" or "My view of the situation is..."
2. Emotion (E): Express your feelings and experiences on an emotional level.
   • Instead of "You are frustrating me," say "I feel frustrated" or "I am burned out."
   • Avoid slipping back into you language: "I feel frustrated because I have so much work to do" (instead of "I feel frustrated because you are giving me so much work").
3. What You Want (W): State what you want or need in the situation.
   • Instead of "You need to give me more time off," say "I would like to take some vacation time" or "I need to take some of these lower priority projects off my plate."

Bonus Tips to Avoid Being Perceived as Self-Centered

1. Use I Language Strategically: Use it when you need to be assertive and avoid potential conflict, not in every situation.
2. Be a Fantastic Listener: Ask questions about the other person's perspective, feelings, and needs. Flip the S.E.W. script and inquire about their situation, emotion, and what they want.

Key Takeaway

I language is a foundational principle of assertive communication, allowing you to express your interests directly without blaming others.

Assertiveness Without Aggression: One-Upping, One-Across, One-Down

One-Upping (Aggressive)

• Definition: Attempting to assert control over the conversation, the other person, or the conversational outcomes.
• Examples:
  • Competing by outdoing the other person's achievements.
  • Giving unsolicited advice.
  • Acting as a critic or evaluator.
  • Using put-down insults or subtle wording to position yourself above others.
• Impact: Makes the other person feel inferior and escalates the conversation unnecessarily.

One-Across (Assertive)

• Definition: Communicating your interests and needs while treating yourself and the other person as conversational equals.
• Characteristics:
  • No power moves or controlling tendencies.
  • Resisting the temptation to one-up.
  • Clearly stating what you want.
  • Inviting the other person to voice their interests.
• Example: Instead of "We're going to lunch at Grinds Cafe. Let's head out," say "Some of us are about to head out to lunch. We are thinking about going to Grinds Cafe. How does that sound to you?"

One-Down (Submissive)

• Definition: Being overly deferential and quickly submitting to the other person's power moves or defaulting to a submissive position.
• Example: When asked "Where do you want to go to lunch?" responding with "I don't know, let's go wherever you want to go."
• Solution:
  1. Ignore the other person's one-upping power moves.
  2. Express your interest directly.
  3. Invite the other person to do the same if they haven't already.

Key Takeaway

Assertive communication involves using one-across messages to express your interests clearly while respecting the other person's perspective. Avoid one-upping (aggressive) and one-down (submissive) communication styles.

Five Ways to Assert Yourself in Group Conversations

Five Tips for Assertive Communication in Group Settings (Ranked by Risk)

1. Ask Questions: Prepare questions in advance based on the agenda. Demonstrates engagement and leadership. Clarifies assumptions and introduces different perspectives.
2. Bring Information to Share: Share data, study findings, statistics, graphs, or feedback. Provide a printed version or display it on a screen.
3. Join Forces with Someone Else's Comment: Piggyback on a comment you agree with. Example: "I agree with John on this because..."
4. Offer Your Point of View: Share your opinions, preferences, and arguments clearly.
   • Only a small percentage of group members typically do this.
5. Suggest a Process the Group Could Follow: Suggest a process for brainstorming, listing pros and cons, or considering long-term/short-term implications.
   • This is the most challenging and assertive tip, as it involves leadership.

Key Takeaway

Start with the lower-risk tips and gradually work your way toward the more challenging ones to increase your assertiveness in group conversations.

Disagreeing Respectfully and Assertively (PEPA Framework)

Mindset

• Goal: Not to "win" an argument, but to communicate assertively and respectfully.
• Let Go of the Outcome: Focus on communicating effectively on your side of the conversation and trust the process.

PEPA Framework

1. Pause (P): Pause for 3-4 seconds after the other person speaks.
   • Allows you to listen carefully and reduces the temptation to interrupt.
   • Shows respect for the other person.
   • Calms the tension in the air.
2. Express Respect (E): Express respect for the other person and/or their point of view.
   • Example: "I hear you. I respect your opinion."
   • Creates room for your opinion later in the conversation.
3. Pause (P): Pause for 1 second before expressing your point of view.
   • Avoid using words like "but" or "however," which can negate the goodwill you've established.
4. Affirm Your Point of View (A): Express your point of view assertively and with as little emotion as possible.
   • Focus on supporting your own view (affirm) rather than attacking the other person's view (refute).

Key Takeaway

The PEPA framework provides a structured approach to disagreeing respectfully and assertively, allowing you to express your views without escalating the conversation.

Communicating Boundaries Assertively

Mindset

• You are responsible for communicating and maintaining your boundaries.
• Other people's feelings are not your sole responsibility.

Ten Ways to Communicate Boundaries (From Gentle to Direct)

1. Blank Look and Silence: A few seconds of silence can make the other person question themselves.
2. Seinfeld Shrug: A silent shrug and facial expression to communicate that they've hit a boundary.
3. "Let Me Think About That for a Minute" and Pause: Verbalized version of the first tip.
4. "I'll Have to Get Back to You About That": Takes the pressure off you to respond immediately.
5. "I'm Not Sure About That": Suggests the boundary might be negotiable.
6. "That's Not Going to Work for Me": No need to add details or justifications.
7. Explain What Would Make You Interested: Communicate your expectations, boundaries, and requirements.
8. Say It Directly: "Hard pass," "Not interested," "No thank you."
9. "Absolutely Not": For situations where a boundary should never be crossed.
10. Communicate Boundaries Upfront: Proactively communicate expectations and non-negotiables when a situation is new.

Key Takeaway

You have a range of options for communicating your boundaries assertively, from gentle nonverbal cues to direct rejections. Choose the approach that is appropriate for the situation and your comfort level.