4 ways to season your sex life | Candice Nicole Hargons | TEDxNashvilleWomen

Sexual Liberation: Creating Your Personalized Sexual Menu

Key Concepts:

• Unseasoned Sexual Menu: The historically limited and often bland script for sexual experiences, primarily focused on penile-vaginal intercourse, often lacking consideration for diverse desires and pleasure.
• Sexual Seasonings: Elements that add flavor and personalization to sexual experiences – communication, pleasure, love, orgasm, nastiness, transcendence, etc.
• Sexual Staples: The core sexual activities one enjoys (e.g., oral sex, manual stimulation).
• Sexual Liberation: The process of reclaiming agency and defining one’s own sexual experiences, free from societal constraints and expectations.
• Intimate Justice: The idea that sexual experiences should be equitable, pleasurable, and liberating for all involved, mirroring the pursuit of social justice.
• Orgasm Gap: The documented difference in orgasm rates between men and women, often linked to insufficient clitoral stimulation.
• Sexual Satisfaction: An overarching evaluation of sexual experiences, distinct from pleasure or orgasm.

The Legacy of the “Unseasoned Sexual Menu”

The speaker begins by framing the dominant narrative of sex most people are taught – a limited focus on penile-vaginal intercourse, devoid of nuance or personalization. This is described as an “unseasoned sexual menu,” akin to eating boiled chicken for every meal. This menu historically excluded or marginalized individuals based on identity – disabled, queer, fat-bodied, or older individuals were often denied access to any “flavor” at all. The speaker emphasizes that this limited view wasn’t accidental, but a result of historical biases perpetuated by wealthy white men in the 1700s through medicine, science, religion, education, and politics.

A specific example is cited from the speaker’s book, Good Sex, detailing a French philosopher’s dissertation from the 1700s that pathologized female sexuality, labeling desires beyond procreation as “nymphomania” and attributing it to things like eating chocolate or reading novels. This historical context illustrates how societal norms actively suppressed female sexual agency and pleasure. The speaker references Project Pat’s lyrics ("Don't save me. I don't want to be saved.") as a reclamation of agency and a rejection of being “saved” from one’s own desires.

Defining “Good Sex” – Beyond Orgasm & Pleasure

The speaker challenges the conventional understanding of “good sex,” arguing that it’s not solely defined by orgasm or even pleasure. She asks the audience to define “good sex” in three words, emphasizing the importance of personal definition, independent of external expectations. Her own definition prioritizes “transcendence,” seeking a spiritual and deeply connected experience.

Research conducted with Dr. Shimika Thor, involving 450 participants, revealed a range of “sexual seasonings” – communication, pleasure, love, orgasm, and “nastiness” (a nod to Janet Jackson). The speaker clarifies the distinctions between orgasm, pleasure, and sexual satisfaction:

• Orgasm: Typically lasts up to 60 seconds, is physically pleasurable, but doesn’t encompass the entirety of pleasure. Research by Dr. Lorie Mintz highlights the “orgasm gap” between men and women and the importance of clitoral stimulation. Grace Wessel’s research indicates a smaller orgasm gap among Black men and women.
• Sexual Pleasure: Embodied and physically pleasurable, but can also be a state of mind or a trait reflecting one’s capacity for experiencing sex as rewarding (Marlene Warner’s research). Orgasm is not necessary for sexual pleasure.
• Sexual Satisfaction: An overarching evaluation of sexual experiences, potentially momentary but often reflecting a broader pattern.

A survey of over 1,000 women and their partners in December 2024 revealed that while 64% reported orgasm during their last sexual encounter, 77% found their sex lives pleasurable, and 70% experienced sexual satisfaction – a “C at best,” according to the speaker, highlighting the potential for improvement. Dr. Cindy Mest’s research indicates over 200 reasons people engage in sex, ranging from revenge to physical closeness.

Creating Your Personalized Sexual Liberation Menu: A Four-Step Process

The speaker outlines a four-step process for creating a personalized “sexual liberation menu”:

1. Describe Good Sex for Yourself: This involves identifying the qualities and experiences that you find fulfilling, as previously explored through the three-word exercise.

2. Determine Your Sexual Staples (Yes, No, Maybe So List): This involves creating three lists: * Yes: Sexual activities you enjoy and want to continue. * No: Sexual activities you dislike and want to avoid. * Maybe So: Activities you’re open to, depending on context, partner, and mood. The “yes” list defines your sexual staples, while the three-word descriptions from step one act as your “sexual seasonings,” adding flavor and personalization. For example, oral sex (staple) can be made sensual (seasoning).

3. Talk About Sex: Open and honest communication with partners is crucial. This involves sharing your menu, asking about theirs, and creating a space for mutual understanding and consent. The speaker acknowledges the vulnerability involved but emphasizes the potential for deeper connection and fulfillment. Consent is framed as a two-way street, where both partners can freely express “yes,” “no,” or “maybe so.”

4. Prioritize Playful Practice, Not Performance: The speaker stresses that improving one’s sex life requires practice and experimentation, not perfection. She encourages embracing awkwardness, laughter, and self-compassion, particularly when challenging internalized body image issues. She acknowledges her own ongoing journey of learning and unlearning, emphasizing that even experts require practice.

The Pursuit of Intimate Justice & Sexual Liberty

The speaker concludes by reiterating her goal: to empower women to access sexual experiences that are “good to and for them.” She frames this as a pursuit of “intimate justice” – a concept coined by Shima Threadcraft – advocating for the same level of attention and liberation for sexual experiences as is typically reserved for broader social justice issues. She encourages the audience to realize their sexual power and, in the words of Glorilla, “let her cook,” meaning to fully embrace and create the sexual experiences they desire.